Hello, it’s me again.
I really wish I could make it a habit to blog every Wednesday on my day off but it’s so hard. Like my last entry I’m still terribly depressed. It’s gotten to the point where people can tell I’m not okay so I’ve just stopped trying to hide it. It’s a bit empowering for me to say it sometimes too.
I really think I need to find a new job. I was thinking that my waxing job was going better but every now and then when I have a rough day at that job (usually Sundays) the following Monday morning when I’m at my retail job I’ll get a little ding on my phone and it’s my wax boss responding to my recap email. We send recap emails about our numbers and blah and what we did each shift. 2 out of my 3 shifts usually go pretty well but I feel like my Sunday shift is always leaving something to be desired. Anyway I got one of those emails a couple of days ago. I opened it and almost started crying in my backroom.
At my retail job I have to go to work 4 or 5 days a week with a person that is supposed to be my “right hand woman,” and help me but she’s completely insubordinate. Not only does she have no respect for me as a leader, she has no respect for any other leads in the building. AT. ALL. We had a lead quit last month so every now and then we have a visiting lead from another store help out when we need coverage. One of them is great. She used to be an Inventory Manager like me, so she gets it and yea that’s how we bonded. Anyway my consultant needed to be helping out with sales coverage. I prepped the lead telling her that she has to be ON my consultant like white on fucking rice because she will do whatever she wants. After literally 2 days working with her… she went to the assistant and was like “what the hell is this? she will not listen.”
This is the shit I’ve been complaining about for 8 solid months. Well probably 9 now. Like I’m sorry but I’m done. No amount of coaching this girl is going to help. She just doesn’t care. I would rather do my job alone than with her. I would rather run behind in my job because I have to do it all myself than deal with her. I practically run behind anyway.
So every Monday morning, even if I’m having a good day/morning as soon as I see that coworker and step into that store I am immediately depressed. Like it completely ruins my mood. And then if I get an email from my wax boss like the one I got this week? Christ.
I am just so tired of being reminded that I’m not good enough. In my professional life. In my personal life. In general. I’ve been so depressed at the one retail job that I am unable to get out of bed most days. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed and go to that store because I know it’s just going to make my depression worse. I’m usually 10 minutes late to that job because it doesn’t matter how early I wake up I just cannot get the strength to get out of bed in the morning.
Generally the wax job is okay but the e-mail I got two days ago just spiraled me into this horrid state of depression. I cannot control people. I cannot force them to book an appointment with me 4 weeks out. A lot like to call the day or week they need the appointment. There is an app you can download and book online that way. Even I don’t book appointments out like that. I just refuse because I don’t know what my schedule is going to look like. I will call the week of because it’s easier for me.
The same thing goes for selling products. I will talk to people about them but I cannot force them to buy it nor would I ever be that pushy sales bitch. I only go to the retail shelves when I have confirmed their buy in. If they are standoffish about it or if they say “no I’m good.” I’m not going to walk them over there. It’s a waste of everyone’s time. So short of me holding a gun to their head and forcing them to buy stuff, what the hell am I supposed to do?
The email was worded very harshly. Basically I was told that at part-time hours to be a productive member of the team I need to be firing on all gears. I need to “overcome the guests and my own excuses.” Nice right? So now I feel like my low sales are bringing the entire team down and I feel like a piece of shit. I don’t think my coworkers actually feel that way about me. I don’t think they’re mad about it but when you get an email like that, how the fuck are you supposed to feel? So yea, it’s going to be really fun at our next team meeting. It’s my anniversary month so she usually has a little “celebration.” but I don’t feel like celebrating since I’m such a useless member of our team. None of my other numbers matter I guess. I’m always the highest for Services and Service $ but you know I’m still useless because I can’t make people buy things.
So that’s what’s been eating at me currently. Shit sucks. And not everyone knows my mental state and what triggers episodes for me but like goddamn. Why are people so shitty all the time?
*sigh* when it rains it fucking pours doesn’t it? I have an exit strategy for the job situation but it’s not going to be immediate. It’s going to take some time. Hopefully by springtime.
I hope everyone has a better day than me. =)