Yea, I’m fucking depressed.

Hello, it’s me again.

I really wish I could make it a habit to blog every Wednesday on my day off but it’s so hard.  Like my last entry I’m still terribly depressed.  It’s gotten to the point where people can tell I’m not okay so I’ve just stopped trying to hide it.  It’s a bit empowering for me to say it sometimes too.

I really think I need to find a new job.  I was thinking that my waxing job was going better but every now and then when I have a rough day at that job (usually Sundays) the following Monday morning when I’m at my retail job I’ll get a little ding on my phone and it’s my wax boss responding to my recap email.  We send recap emails about our numbers and blah and what we did each shift.  2 out of my 3 shifts usually go pretty well but I feel like my Sunday shift is always leaving something to be desired.  Anyway I got one of those emails a couple of days ago.  I opened it and almost started crying in my backroom.

At my retail job I have to go to work 4 or 5 days a week with a person that is supposed to be my “right hand woman,” and help me but she’s completely insubordinate.  Not only does she have no respect for me as a leader, she has no respect for any other leads in the building.  AT. ALL.  We had a lead quit last month so every now and then we have a visiting lead from another store help out when we need coverage.  One of them is great.  She used to be an Inventory Manager like me, so she gets it and yea that’s how we bonded.  Anyway my consultant needed to be helping out with sales coverage.  I prepped the lead telling her that she has to be ON my consultant like white on fucking rice because she will do whatever she wants.  After literally 2 days working with her… she went to the assistant and was like “what the hell is this?  she will not listen.”

This is the shit I’ve been complaining about for 8 solid months.  Well probably 9 now.  Like I’m sorry but I’m done.  No amount of coaching this girl is going to help.  She just doesn’t care.  I would rather do my job alone than with her.  I would rather run behind in my job because I have to do it all myself than deal with her.  I practically run behind anyway.

So every Monday morning, even if I’m having a good day/morning as soon as I see that coworker and step into that store I am immediately depressed.  Like it completely ruins my mood.  And then if I get an email from my wax boss like the one I got this week?  Christ.

I am just so tired of being reminded that I’m not good enough.  In my professional life.  In my personal life.  In general. I’ve been so depressed at the one retail job that I am unable to get out of bed most days.  It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed and go to that store because I know it’s just going to make my depression worse.  I’m usually 10 minutes late to that job because it doesn’t matter how early I wake up I just cannot get the strength to get out of bed in the morning.

Generally the wax job is okay but the e-mail I got two days ago just spiraled me into this horrid state of depression.  I cannot control people.  I cannot force them to book an appointment with me 4 weeks out.  A lot like to call the day or week they need the appointment.  There is an app you can download and book online that way.  Even I don’t book appointments out like that.  I just refuse because I don’t know what my schedule is going to look like.  I will call the week of because it’s easier for me.

The same thing goes for selling products.  I will talk to people about them but I cannot force them to buy it nor would I ever be that pushy sales bitch.  I only go to the retail shelves when I have confirmed their buy in.  If they are standoffish about it or if they say “no I’m good.” I’m not going to walk them over there.  It’s a waste of everyone’s time.  So short of me holding a gun to their head and forcing them to buy stuff, what the hell am I supposed to do?

The email was worded very harshly.  Basically I was told that at part-time hours to be a productive member of the team I need to be firing on all gears.  I need to “overcome the guests and my own excuses.”  Nice right?  So now I feel like my low sales are bringing the entire team down and I feel like a piece of shit.  I don’t think my coworkers actually feel that way about me.  I don’t think they’re mad about it but when you get an email like that, how the fuck are you supposed to feel?  So yea, it’s going to be really fun at our next team meeting.  It’s my anniversary month so she usually has a little “celebration.” but I don’t feel like celebrating since I’m such a useless member of our team.  None of my other numbers matter I guess.  I’m always the highest for Services and Service $ but you know I’m still useless because I can’t make people buy things.

So that’s what’s been eating at me currently.  Shit sucks.  And not everyone knows my mental state and what triggers episodes for me but like goddamn.  Why are people so shitty all the time?

*sigh* when it rains it fucking pours doesn’t it?  I have an exit strategy for the job situation but it’s not going to be immediate.  It’s going to take some time.  Hopefully by springtime.

I hope everyone has a better day than me. =)



A couple of things all in the same blog entry.

I feel like there are so many things I want to touch on that instead of trying to make full posts about all of them I’ll just put my ramblings here. Please note I forgot to post this.  What the hell girl?  This is seriously from like 3 weeks ago.  Enjoy.

The shooting of Justine Damond:  So this is disappointing.  It takes a goddamn white woman getting shot for people to be like “we need to look at police reform.”  Are you kidding me?  How many black and brown people have been shot like this while everyone sat around screaming that “we need to get all the facts before we condemn this police officer.”  Where are all the Blue Lives Matter people now?  Oh it’s because it’s a  Black Somalian Cop that shot a White Woman.  Seriously, where are the Blue Lives Matter people now?  I didn’t see any posts on Facebook from you.  If you can’t see the racism in America now, you are truly blind.  Do not get me wrong, this woman did not deserve to be gunned down while wearing pajamas in her backyard but it just pisses me off that it took a white woman to get killed by the cops to open people’s eyes.  The sad part is that it hasn’t even opened their eyes enough because the next brown person that gets gunned down by the cops is going to be business as usual.  The next innocent black person that gets killed while just being respectful and following the officers orders is going to have his/her entire life and “criminal record” plastered all over the paper and it will talk about what a “thug” they are. The sad truth is that this woman’s death is not going to change anything.

Whole 30: So, diets are annoying.  I’ve gone keto plenty of times knowing that it is a quick fix and that unless I stop eating crap food and keep working out I’ll gain it back.  So don’t get me wrong, I’m all about understanding that.  Which is why Whole 30 is stupid.  Okay I get it, you “wipe the slate clean” for 30 days and then start adding stuff back in to see what is “inflammatory.”  My main thing that I hated about whole 30 is that it asks you to cut out things that aren’t bad for you.  Also if you are veggie or vegan like me your options are super limited because having meat and eggs every day is not an option.  LEGUMES AND GRAINS ARE NOT BAD.  The problem is that we eat way too much of them.  So Whole 30 says after your 30 days you can start adding back in things like grains and legumes slowly to see what effects they have on your body.  Okay so what if after 30 days I try to eat black beans and it upsets my stomach.  ARE YOU KIDDING? I’m supposed to never eat black beans again?  Negative, they’re good for you.  Also what is the point of cutting it out if you are going to add it back in?  If you cut anything out of your diet when you add it back in you’re going to react differently to it.  That’s a given.  I get that it’s about building habits of healthy eating but you can also do that without cutting things out completely.

I think part of it is the way the website talks about things.  It’s kind of annoying.  “it’s ONLY 30 days, just drink your coffee black for 30 days, you can do it.”  Can I do it?  Probably but I’m not going to drink my coffee black after the 30 days so, sorry.  I put a splash of vanilla almond milk creamer (my coffee is still dark brown) and a little stevia in the raw in there.  That’s how its gonna be.  That much coffee creamer and stevia is NOT going to harm me.  I once cut out coffee for a whole month (okay it was February, but it was a leap year! 29 days) and you want to know what I learned from it?  That  I can do it but I’ll never do it again.  Coffee is not harmful to me and I enjoy having coffee so why would I cut out something that I enjoy and is not detrimental to my health?

Also if you have time google “Can you do whole 30 as vegetarian or vegan?”  Because that part of the website is GODDAMN HILARIOUS.  Being a veggiesaurus and vegansaurus I know that I will have people bitching about my choices.  The fun thing is that it is MY choice.  I’m not making you eat tofu and I really don’t care what you eat.  I wish everyone would be vegan but I know it’s not going to happen and there’s not much I can do about it.  But I have my own set of ethical and moral things and you should also respect that.  Anyway, back to Whole 30, so the language used on the websites and such is “well you can do it but it won’t be a true whole 30 because you’ll need to eat legumes and you may or may not eat eggs.”  Some shit about Whole 30 involves a lot of animal protein.  So way to make me feel like a terrible person for wanting to make changes to my diet without consuming animal products.  Sorry I have moral and ethical reasons that I don’t want to consume steak, chicken, fish or pork?  Anyway it’s just the way the whole thing is worded that makes me want to slap someone.

So I’ve decided to do my own version of Whole 30, which basically means I’m trying to eat more whole foods.  Things that have ONE ingredient on the label.  I try to do most of my shopping in the produce section BUT I will also eat legumes, rice and potatoes because they are not unhealthy if I portion it correctly.  For dinner tonight I had 3/4 c rice with sautéed peppers and onions with a little salsa on top.  Thinking that’s pretty healthy.  Had a banana for breakfast with coffee.  An avocado (with hot sauce)  and some grapes for lunch.  Whole30 or not I think that’s a great improvement from vegan pizza from Pizza Luce or Vegan taco bell.  Suck it Whole 30.



The last couple weeks of my life have proven to be tough.  Shit just clearly isn’t going my way.  It’s like things are crumbling before my eyes.  It all started with accidentally burning my hand with piping hot wax.  It went downhill from there.  I burned my hand, ended up seeing this boy that treats me like garbage (it pisses me off) and then the next day I find out that I was passed over for a promotion that I’ve been waiting YEARS to open up in our district (which, when I took my current position I was told that this would be the next step for me as soon as it opened up in our district) and to top it all off Facebook decided to remind me that one of my best friends in the world died 3 years ago that day.

Lovely right.  Nothing great has really happened since then either. Luckily nothing terrible but it hasn’t been all roses either.

The main thing that irritates me is being passed up for the promotion.  Now, I knew that I wasn’t going to get it anyway because I wasn’t even NOTIFIED that the position was even open in the district (this company is super great at keeping things hush-hush when they have someone they already want to do it and it pisses me off) but of course if you never ask the answer will always be no.  So I reached out to my boss’s boss (because I don’t feel that my boss supports me).  I told her that a little birdie told me the position was open and posted online and asked her if it was a feasible option for me.  The response I got was crap.  I was told that it’s a high level position and that they would be in charge of HR pieces as well so they are considering candidates that have experience in performance management, hiring and development of teams.  Blah Blah my boss can give me specifics  on what I can work on to be considered for a position like that in the future.

You know because I did NONE OF THOSE THINGS AT THE JOB I HAD BEFORE I GOT THIS ONE EITHER. OH wait, that’s all I fucking did before I started working for this company.  My entire job was to do all the shit my boss wasn’t willing to do.  Interviewing potential employees, taking care of a department that was responsible for like 40% of the stores sales, having all the HR conversations and writing up disciplinary forms, setting planograms for the entire middle section of the store and running a goddamn team of like 10 – 15 people to get shit done.  At my current job I don’t have the authority to do any HR stuff because I’m not exempt but I am the one that develops my whole team.  I’m the only one in the store that knows how to do my job so I’m the only one that can train people to help me do my job and the work of my department.  But you know, I’m an asshole and I refuse to drink the “kool-aid” so I can’t be promoted.  *side eye emoji*

Even though I knew I wasn’t even being considered for the position it still hurts.  It made me question my skills.  It made me wonder if maybe I wasn’t actually any good at my job.  I don’t feel like my boss supports me and half the time with the way she treats me it also makes me question whether or not I am actually good at what I do.  I’m not sure what hurts more the fact that my district manager (who is the person that hired me 6 years ago and when I first started with the company she was my direct manager) gave me this bullshit fluff reason as to why I’m not being considered (oh and ended that e-mail with “I appreciate your passion and expertise in your department”)  Or the fact that I wasted 6 years or my life working to get that promotion only to realize there’s no where for me to go.

Of course she then told my boss that I reached out about the position.  So then my boss tries to have a heart to heart with me.  She said she should have told me about the position but every time I have one-on-one development convos with her I tell her “I don’t know where I want to be in the future with the company.”  Of course I told her that if she thought I would be good for the job she should encourage me to go for it, regardless of what I tell her.  Then she gave me some BS about how I need to work on my attitude and that a person in that position needs to make the department a fun and inviting place to be.  The majority of my team hasn’t quit because of me and the ones that did leave (to go to school and to use their actual degree) stayed as long as they did because of me.  They would have left a hell of a lot earlier if it was anyone else.  But you know, clearly no one likes to work with me because I’m not fun and inviting!  I bring something different to the table.  I’m realistic.  I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because your my boss, I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking and in the retail world I think that’s a strength.  Of course this doesn’t align with what my boss and boss’s boss and boss’s boss’s boss want so I guess I’m shit outta luck.

How fun can you make this job? We seriously get covered in makeup and dust, I injure myself daily and we do all the heavy lifting and things that other coworkers can’t be bothered to do.  How FUN does that sound? All for a glorious $10/hr.  Like, no one is gonna stay with me forever making $10/hr it’s not sustainable.  So I don’t blame them for that.

It’s difficult but in order to move up in this company I have to be someone who I’m not.  I would think that my skills and knowledge are enough but that’s not so.  I think I need to find a new job.  I’m not challenged in my current position and I’m not going to do this forever. If the next logical step in my career is not an option for me then why am I here?  Unfortunately the only reason I haven’t jumped ship is because I need the healthcare benefits.  My wax job doesn’t offer benefits (yet) so I can’t really leave my current job.  At least not until I get my new prescription next month and my years worth of contacts in April. =(

I’ve been looking but its hard because I don’t want to leave my wax job and I’m not finding places (that aren’t retail) that are flexible enough to accommodate that.  I would leave both jobs if I had to but in order to do that I need to find one that pays me what both jobs combined brings in which is a little easier said than done.

Okay, I’m done with this subject for now. It’s depressing me more and more every time I think about it.


A series of unfortunate events.

I haven’t written for a while.  Life got real.  Shit got in the way.  Friends happened.  You know how that goes.

It’s also holiday and I work retail.  Save (what is left of) my poor black soul.  Anyway, I didn’t have anything that I really had an itch to write about but over the last couple days I just feel like I need to record what happened because it’s THAT FUCKING CRAZY.  I have been sick so excuse my jumbled brain, I’ll try to make this bearable.

I caught the deathflu.  I don’t always get sick (I was very sickly in my college years so I pretty much caught every form of a cold back then, I have quite the immunity now) but usually when I do, it’s pretty bad. My colds are always the same, I kind of get this feeling in my throat and that’s when I know I will wake up the next morning with full on birdflu. I generally feel like crap for a day or two and then start to get better.  This kind of hit me out of nowhere though because the weather had been so up and down this fall my allergies were not very pleased.  So I had been having that “feeling” in my throat for damn near a month.

This shit hit me when I least expected it. I was moving crazy slow at work on Tuesday and then I just knew.  I knew on Wednesday it was going to be bad news.  Sure as shit I woke up Wednesday feeling like absolute garbage.  I was able to take some dayquil and managed to get my drippy nose and my watering eyes under control for my wax job.  Afterwards I headed to my retail job.  It was a horrid 3 hour set up for Black Friday.  I felt like garbage and my freaking boss was continually asking me what was wrong.  What do you think is wrong man?  I sound like a guy and my nose is dripping all over the fucking place.  Doesn’t seem like a good time, but I’m still here because I have to be.

Thursday was uneventful.  The first time I had Thanksgiving Day off in 4 years and I was sicker than hell for it.  It was my only day off this week so I decided that I am not too sick to make some food.  I bought all this food to be a glutton so, I made it.  Sadly, I couldn’t really taste it.  I figured I would be able to taste the leftovers as that is my meal prep for the week.  After cooking for a solid 3 hours I was freaking exhausted.  I ate a little bit although I really couldn’t taste much and then I slept.  Oh man did I sleep.  I slept for about 6 hours and then woke up hungry (good sign right!?) so I had a little of my leftovers (some casserole, mashed potatoes and a dinner roll) and then hit the sack again, because I needed to work on Black Friday at 5am.

I woke up even worse.  I anger cried a little bit because any time I’m sick, I’m not allowed to be sick.  People call in for the stupidest shit and then I come in looking like Death Becomes Her and my boss thinks I’m “not really that sick.”  You guys, I was SO SICK that my eyelids were swollen.  You read that right.  My fucking face was swollen.  And I still dragged my ass out of my house, could barely see to drive and I opened that god forsaken store for Black Friday.

I looked like absolute shit but I managed to work for about 5 hours.  As soon as I got into the store my boss was scheduled to be in like an hour later.  I sent her a text right away and told her that I am still very sick, I may have a fever and my face is swollen so I cannot wear makeup.  She replied, “Oh, I’m sorry.”  I wish you could see my snapchats because I had to document that shit somehow.  MY GODDAMN EYES WERE SWOLLEN DAMN NEAR SHUT.

It just kills me.  I am never allowed to be sick.  Then when I show up to work looking like the grim fucking reaper my boss still doesn’t see it.  She half assedly asked me if I wanted to go.  I told her I would stay because Ms. Millennial overslept so we were down someone right at open.  They needed me.  People call in for the sniffles all the time.  I always show up.  I’ve worked with food poisoning (twice), I’ve worked when I was so sick I actually lost my voice and could not speak and I came in with my eyelids so swollen I could barely see.  BUT hey, I don’t need to rest and take medicine, I’m fucking HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

So the real icing on the cake was today at work.  I got in and my boss asks me if I’m feeling better.  I told her I am better than yesterday by far but still you know, getting over the cold.  I’m onto the coughing stages now.  So flash forward an hour.  The guy that opened with me yesterday, who saw my eyes first and wondered how I was still alive was asking me how I was feeling today.  Boss is nearby as well.  I told him I’m feeling better but I’m still just really tired.  Then… Then.  My boss actually says, “You have no reason to be tired.  You just slept for the last two days.”

ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL?  I swear sometimes she doesn’t think about the words that come out of her mouth.  At least I hope she doesn’t think because that shit is uncalled for.  My body is working double time because NO, I haven’t just been sleeping the last 2 days.  I had ONE day to sleep.  Thanksgiving.  I still worked for 8 hours on Wednesday and 5 hours on Friday.  I am thankful my wax job boss called me off Friday because I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to swing that.  With barely being able to open my eyes to see.  Also I’m not sure if my boss realizes this but when you rest during your sickness you aren’t just relaxing.  Your body is still fighting off a virus.  This is not easy and depletes your energy which is why you’re tired.  Like, why would I need to explain that to you?  I have every reason to be tired because for the last 4 fucking days my body has been fighting a cold to heal itself.  One fucking day to sleep is not going to magically make you better.  She acts like I had 2 days off to just watch fucking Netflix and eat pie.  Negative.  I have 1 and a half days to chug cough syrup and drink orange juice and try to eat soup when  was finally hungry again.

Everyone else took one look at me on Friday and asked why the hell I was at the store but my boss failed to see it.  I feel incredibly undervalued as an employee and then this is the kind of treatment I receive.  Doesn’t make me feel any better.  I bust my tail all the time and then when I really need to let my body rest and heal itself… I’m questioned on how sick I actually am.

*sigh*  I’m thankful I’m feeling better finally.  I do not have any more time to waste.

Also, the food I made for Thanksgiving tastes great!  I’m super proud of my homemade vegetarian mushroom gravy!  It’s super flavorful and unlike the “mushroom gravy” you can buy (in a jar or a powder mix) it doesn’t contain beef stock!  I win!



One of the biggest complaints of my job is the amount of support I get.  I don’t feel like I am completely unsupported but I feel as though I don’t get adequate support, especially when it comes to little things that should be supported.

So, if there is ever a heavy workload or whatever the case may be, if I need more people my boss supports me and makes it happen.  Whenever corporate fucks something up and we have to rearrange, we figure it out.

There are just little things that irritate me.  So for one, part of my job is counting.  So basically every other week I need to count sections of the store, for inventory replenishment purposes and to see how much shit got stolen. Every single time our Loss Prevention dickbag comes in all I ever hear from my boss is “well we have the coverage so we can count consistently.”  I’m sorry, what coverage?  I have yet to see you give me an extra person in the morning.  It’s like she’ll say whatever it is she needs to say, to make it seem like everything in the store is perfect.  I mean hey, why would you ever throw me a  bone and be like “oh well it’s very workload heavy, let’s get an extra person in here on Thursdays so we can do that.”  NOPE, throw my ass under the bus saying we’ve always had the coverage it’s just clearly my fault that we aren’t counting.  What do you want done?  New products out on the floor and old products sent back… or for me to scan fucking lipsticks?  Can’t have both.

I feel like she never hesitates to throw anyone under the bus.  It’s always excuses.  Everything has a fucking excuse (oh unless it involves me, I never get excuses for my angsty attitude) attached to it.  Someone said hurtful, mean things that were completely inappropriate to another person and her actual words were “I’m sure it wasn’t coming from a bad place.”  Really?  When you put someone down I’m not sure what kind of fucking place it’s coming from if it isn’t a bad place.

Just the other day I found out that one of my coworkers got in trouble because I left clear direction and she followed it.  Please note that this direction was handed down to me FROM CORPORATE.  I even linked it back to the specific piece of fucking information listed on the intranet as to HOW to schedule these things.  Well someone got butt-hurt and went to the district manager saying we weren’t being supportive of their brand. We were then instructed to disregard what corporate said.  So instead of my boss sticking up for me (and my coworker that followed my direction) saying, “I understand and we can definitely go ahead and break these rules but this was the direction we were given so this is why we did this.”  She ended up saying, “Oh well X used to book these and X is on maternity leave and I’m sure she was more lenient with it.”  THANKS YOU FUCKING BITCH.  How is that supposed to make me feel?   You sit there and come up with excuses for someone who said completely disrespectful and in appropriate things… but the second I do something COMPLETELY CORRECTLY AS DETERMINED BY THE CORPORATE OFFICES, you throw me under the bus by saying it’s because “someone else normally schedules this stuff so they probably did it differently.”

Something SO LITTLE means so much.  This is what I deal with.  ZERO support.  When she talked to me about it she was like “Schedule as many days as they want.” I challenged her and said, “NO, there was an announcement that said this is how we schedule, only for the next last two months of the year as it is holiday time.” She said, “Well I’m not getting yelled at again so just do it.”  Really, don’t stick up for your team because you don’t want to be “yelled at.”  So in response I yelled at her, “Well if we’re just supposed to disregard corporate direction for things THEN WHY THE FUCK DO THEY SEND OUT THESE STUPID BULLETINS SAYING, ‘THIS IS HOW YOU NEED TO DO THIS.’?”

I’m so tired of getting direction on how to do things or how to proceed with something only to get bitched at and then have someone say, “OH well don’t do what they told you to do. Don’t be so black and white about it, be grey with it.”  If we are just allowed to do whatever the fuck we want, whenever we want they why does the company give a shit and make these guidelines?

Furthermore why is it so hard to just back up your employees?  Shit like this happens all the time at the cash registers too.  You’ll make a decision to FOLLOW POLICY, someone will complain and then she’ll go up there and just do whatever the person wants.  Not only does it make someone feel like shit it’s pretty much like you’re saying, “Oh yea we can do that for you.  This person was just a giant bitch and didn’t want to help you but since you are complaining and I’d rather not have you fill out a bad survey so that my district manager yells at me. Oh here’s a bunch of free money because obviously I hire idiots.”

Perhaps if you treated your employees the way you treated your customers they just might be more willing to help out and treat your customers better.


Who’s your boss?

Ah, retail.  I know it’s almost like beating a dead horse.  My job kinda sucks.

Okay, not really.  I really do like my job.  Have you ever heard that people don’t leave jobs, they leave managers?  Meaning they don’t leave because they hate the company they’re working for (although not always true.  Part of the reason I left Target was because the company was moving in a direction I didn’t agree with.  PART of the reason) they leave because of their manager.  Well that shit is starting to ring more and more true each day I work.

Part of my problem is that I tend to bottle up my emotions.  I have that hard outer shell but people who know me, really know me, have actually seen that soft center that I try to hide.  Don’t get me wrong I keep putting up that wall brick by brick but sometimes sneaky people that I care about are able to sneak through the cracks.  I’ve always done this to myself since I can remember.  I just let my anger and frustrations and sadness build and build until finally the cap on that bottle just fly’s off and the whole fucking bottle explodes and shatters into a thousand pieces.

This exact thing happened to me yesterday.  I had a crappy week and it seemed like anything that could go wrong did go wrong for the rest of the day.  I remember the final straw was that a whole basket full of product for the floor went “missing” and no one knew what happened to it (we did find it).  All of the sudden the bottle I kept all my emotions in fucking exploded.  I was FLOODED with emotion and I had no idea how to handle it (you know, since I refuse to deal with feelings by bottling them up all the time).  I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, punch someone in the face, scream at the top of my lungs, set the store on fire or just crawl into a hole and patiently wait to die.  To be honest setting the store on fire was winning my vote until I decided that I was done with people and I crawled into my apartment and just stayed there until I had to work today.

There is a whole lot of other stuff that mixed into that whole emotion bubble but that is for a later time.

Let’s talk about how shitty retail is.  So my boss had this regional conference or something.  Anyway, they always have some stupid message they bring back (seriously I can’t believe they pay people to come up with the shit they do).  Apparently MY JOB is something the company knows is “broken” and they are working to fix all the stuff (it’s been 5 years, we’ll see…).  HOWEVER, the icing on the cake is that now my boss is going around asking people, “Who is your boss?”  Of course everyone is confused.  Most people mention the lead of their world.  Then she’ll say something like, “No. Who is your boss?”  Then, even more confused they’ll look at her and say, “You?”  And then she’ll laugh and say, “NO, the customer is your boss! hahahahahahahahaha lololz”  Everyone is mortified to say the least.

She mentioned this in our lead meeting and I think I was the only one who actually laughed when she said, “The customer is your boss.”  Don’t worry, I did it under my breath so I think maybe one person realized I laughed.  I cannot believe someone came up with that idea.  Because our customers are not entitled enough, lets pretend they are our “bosses.”  Like, I get the idea but I think the word you are looking for is “priority” not “boss.”  Until those dickbag customers are signing my paychecks, they can kiss my ass.  So when a customer says something stupid like, “Oh, I know I paid for this with a store credit but I want cash back and I’m going to keep most of the stuff in the kit anyway.” are we just supposed to go with it?  I mean they are the “boss” right?  That is just an extreme example but c’mon, give me a break.

Honestly as far as I’m concerned I am my own boss.  I cram 60+ hours of work into about 36 or 38 hours and my boss doesn’t even really know what I do let alone the CUSTOMER.  As mentioned in previous posts, for a lengthy amount of time my boss actually thought I did nothing but sit in the backroom and chat with people for the entirety of my work week.  It’s super easy getting 60+ hours of work done in 36 hours so DUH, I’m obviously just drinking coffee , shopping on amazon and catching up on Netflix shows back there.

At what point is enough, enough? I like my job but it’s getting to the point where it doesn’t make me happy anymore.  I air my grievances through the proper channels however the one person that can do ANYTHING about it, doesn’t.  Half the time she fails to see that anything is wrong.  I can’t keep forcing myself to be unhappy because I like the work I do.  It isn’t even about money anymore.  I honestly think I’d be happier living under a goddamn bridge in a box because it would be less stressful at this point.  It’s kind of a tough place to be at.  Miserable enough to want out but not miserable enough to actually peace out.

I seriously have 2 full days off next week.  I’m hoping that it can provide some clarity in this foggy situation.


Out of sight, out of mind.

My Inventory Management job is a thankless job.  It’s hard because I really enjoy my job, as in, I like to do that kind of work.  I’m good at it and I’m efficient and things like that come easy to me. My particular skill set comes in handy for that kind of work (organizing, reverse logistics etc) So it sucks, because I enjoy that job but yet there are other aspects of it that make me want to jump out the damn window.

I knew when I took this promotion that it was a thankless job.  The DM at the time asked me why I wanted to take this opportunity. He told me that it’s thankless and we work the crappy shifts and have to do all the hard work and most people don’t understand that.  I told him I wanted this because it was something that came easily and naturally to me.  Someone has to do the heavy lifting and I’m good at it so I want it.  It’s the next step in (what I thought was) a career with the company.

I never knew it would be this bad.  It’s been about 5 years and it just gets more and more draining every day.  Some of it is the team I work with.  So, to break it down, even though there shouldn’t be, there is a clear divide on our team.  There are the people who work on the salesfloor assisting customers and then there is me and my minions that primarily work in the back and when the store is closed doing all the bullshit work.  The divide comes in because myself and my team see the BULLSHIT the people that work during the day (here on known as day crew) get away with.  There’s a ridiculous double standard and unless you’re on the shit side of it, you can’t see it.

So, now for some examples.  As stated before, myself and my team do all of the heavy lifting.  Fixtures have fallen on us, made us bleed, almost broken my hand. Myself and one other person (mind you we are petite girls) had to move a 300 lb endcap and secure it on an end BY OURSELVES.  The damn thing nearly crushed me, true story.  Most of the fixtures in that store have my actual blood, sweat and tears on them.  Oftentimes we are there in the morning, before any air conditioning kicks on, so it’s sweltering.  It’s like we are in the goddamn desert.  So we are there busting our asses, moving endcaps, setting up new ones, moving all the little bottles of conditioner and shampoo around for no reason. EVERY DAMN DAY.  Then we get to see the day crew come in for their shifts.

They stroll in with their coffees and pastries.  They leisurely walk in, put their stuff away and clock in for the day.  Instead of helping my crew out as we’re busting our tails (and have been for the last 2 or 3 hours at this point) they go and look at all the new stuff we put out.  Trying out the new lipsticks and face masks and highlighters.  Then they go around and do their makeup.  Sometimes my team comes in early and has to then spend the last part of their shift on the floor helping customers.  So they come in with me at 6 or 7am and we have our fucking makeup on.  We aren’t allowed to get paid to do our makeup for 45 minutes.  So this is what my team sees.  We have to bust our ass to get all this shit done, while others get paid to simply do nothing.

The fucked up part is that when anyone goes to the upper management, nothing is ever done about it.  That’s what is so frustrating.  As a manager I have even commented TO THE PERSON about how they shouldn’t be doing their makeup.  I will give them tasks to do because they are on the clock.  What do I get as a response?  “Pfffft.  Oh. Heh. Psshhhhh” Clear fucking insubordination.  It’s angering.  I don’t ask for much, but shit like that drives me up a wall.  All ya do all day is walk around and shop for yourself in between helping customers.

The other jacked up part of it is that if my team stops working for 2 goddamn minutes, bosslady notices.  RIGHT FUCKING AWAY.  Double standard.  I’m tired of the excuses.  “I don’t schedule people at that time anymore.”  Oh that’s great because now they just clock in and do their makeup for 45 minutes in the back instead.  There was an actual instance where my team and I were doing random, odd, jobs while waiting for people to finish installing a HUGE fixture.  They were wrapping up so my team and I took like a 2 minute breather.  Boss lady comes over and says “oh, are you guys gonna work or what?”  I was so pissed off about it, that I snapped back, “Or maybe I should just do my makeup for an hour instead.”  At that point she just walked away, good choice.

It’s just ridiculous.  At one point I had a conversation about this bullshit and boss lady actually blamed me for the actions of others.  My team was tired of seeing how the day crew just decided to not work and it was okay.  No fucks given.  So some of my team voiced their opinions about it.  Well one of the day crew heard, and got butthurt.  So I get pulled into the office about it.  I explain the situation.  My team member was asking for help and the manager on duty failed to get anyone to help her and she was PISSED about it. That’s why she said what she said.  Then I get told “well, did they hear this stuff from you first?”  Acting like I do nothing but talk shit and then ask my team to repeat my words.

NEWSFLASH, it doesn’t matter WHAT I say to anyone, I am not directly at fault for what someone else says or how they act.  I didn’t put a gun to their head and force them to say things.  Why are you trying to blame me for what OTHER people see?  They have EVERY right to be upset about it.

The problem is that it’s “out of sight, out of mind” or whatever.  I’m not on the salesfloor selling and helping dickbags so that must mean that I’m in the back doing NOTHING.  I have a load of things that I need to do.  Recently I had a training with other Inventory Managers in my district (I love my girls!) one thing that we did was get a calendar and write out all of our weekly tasks for the month of June (with our monthly planner that shows corporate assigned tasks and times).  My weeks are a minimum of 60 hours.  On heavier weeks, when I have store sets it’s as much as 90 – 100 hours.  So, just so you know, I don’t sit back there and do nothing.  Also, I’d like to note that most of those hours of tasks have to be done while the store is NOT opened, so It’s not like I can spend my entire 8 hours tearing down tables to reset them.  I’m the one ordering supplies for them to use on the floor, I manage the inventory, I organize the backstock so you can find things easily, I fix the printer, I plan out the execution of product updates, I do almost all the “administrative” type work that no one else can be bothered to do, like document retention stuff, mailing out things, receiving deliveries, taking care of the weekly 75+ boxes of shipment.

Sadly, I think it’s one of those things where you won’t realize how important someone is to your company until they aren’t doing it anymore.  Sending text messages being like, “I appreciate all you do, thank you so much blah blah” is bullshit.  I don’t need a pat on the back for doing my job.  The best way to help me is to get the rest of the team to understand that my work is hard work, especially with how lazy they are.  HAH.  Change the attitude of the day team because I’m tired of being treated like a piece of shit because I don’t have to “deal with mean clients sometimes!”

Being a retail manager is NOT what I’m meant to do with my life, nor is it what I’m going to spend my life doing.  It’s just a stepping stone to where I want to be.  I’m still a little undecided on what I want to be when I grow up but I have time to figure that out.  I just know that I don’t want to work in a thankless job and be shit on all the time.  I’m too smart for that kind of job.