…and depression rears it’s ugly head again.

Hello faithful reader(s).  It’s been a hot second hasn’t it?  The last update had loads of good news and this one, not so much.  While I am still loving my new job teaching cosmo kids it was only a temporary patch for this untreated depression.

Recently I’ve been struggling.  I learned that in order to receive benefits for my teacher job I actually need about another 10 hours a week.  Which my boss was super cool about and got me those hours starting this month.  HOWEVER this now means that instead of working about 40 hours a week between both jobs I will now be working about 50 hours.  The amount of hours is not what bothers me, the fact that I work every single day is what bothers me.  It is hard knowing that every single day you have to go to a job.  There is no one day a week where I can run errands or go to a doctors appointment or get to sleep in and do nothing.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I. HAVE. TO. GO. TO. ONE. OF. MY. JOBS.

I am not always a positive person.  I’m extremely pessimistic because I feel like nothing good ever happens to me and anything good that does happen is just a prelude to the beginning of my own demise.

Lately I have been bombarded with a shitload of paranoia.  I keep thinking that people can’t stand me and they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve holed myself up in my apartment for a while (the school had a catastrophe so it’s closed for a couple weeks) and finally resurfaced to go to a movie with my coworker (since we can’t teach right now)… but afterwards I immediately went to the store to get some things and retreated right back to my blanket fort.

I’ve also been flooded with feelings of failure.  Like I’m not a normal person because I do have bad days sometimes.  I’ve been told that it’s an issue and I need to leave my garbage at the door.  So I spent the last 4 days wondering why I couldn’t be normal like my other co-workers.  Why can’t I handle stress like them?  What is so wrong with me that I’m such a piece of garbage?  I feel like I’m not a good waxer.  That I suck at my job and no one likes me.

I have feelings that the people I know and work with are out to get me.  That they don’t really like me and want to see me fail.  I feel like I am failing and they are laughing and enjoying watching me fall.

Normally I would tell myself I was acting ridiculous and that’s not true but for some reason I can’t seem to believe myself when I say that.  I honestly think that I’m alone in this world and this is the way it’s going to be.  I will always be by myself because adults genuinely don’t like to see anyone succeed so they’ll do whatever they can to see you fail.

So yea, that’s where I’m at.  Depression and paranoia is great!



Back in the Saddle Again.

Hello everyone. Everyone that still decides to read.  There’s what?  2 of you?  Anyway, it has been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything.

Good news though, I worked incredibly hard and I was able to leave my retail management job and find a new place to work!  I actually went and jumped through a bunch of hoops and was able to get my Cosmetology Instructor License (not as easy as it sounds) and I’m currently working as an instructor for my old cosmo school! It is super exciting and even after just one full day on the job I’ve realized how less stressed out I am.

The last two weeks have been rough.  I was training at my new job on my days off from my retail and waxing job.  Basically the last two weeks I’ve been working doubles 6 days a week and had 2 days off (only because they were holidays).  So it’s like I was working 3 jobs.  It was INSANE.  BUT today was my first official day at the new job, so I wanted to make sure I was ready to dive in so all that shadowing/training the last two weeks was WELL worth it.  The cool thing about this is that I’m part-time at the school and part-time at my wax job.  Instead of working 55 to 60 hours a week I’m really working about 40 to 45 hours.  I am nervous because I feel like I need to work 1000 hours a week just to make enough money but I think I might surprise myself.  If I am not making what I need to make I can ALWAYS add hours at the wax job.  I originally wanted to do that but I forgot what it’s like to have a supportive boss that doesn’t want to work you to the bone.  She told me that we could revisit adding any more hours after I settle in at my new job.

Okay so this is the best thing about having a non-retail job.  The hours are great.  I am less stressed so I’m able to sleep at night.  I don’t have to bring the job home with me.  I can actually have a life. I had brunch with a friend yesterday.  BRUNCH IS A THING PEOPLE DO ON WEEKENDS.  I have holidays off, better hours and I can even see my damn family for a holiday!  It’s crazy.

I left my retail job for good last Saturday.  It has been 3 whole days and I feel like my life has already drastically improved.  I know I’m kinda like a kid in a candy store right now.  Everything is shiny and new but honestly I haven’t felt this good in at least 6 years.  I used to feel this way (this elated) about my retail job in the beginning, so I’m careful not to think that things couldn’t go south, because they could… but I honestly think this is going to go much better.  The atmosphere is better, the schedule is amazing and the students are great (well most of them).

I’ve already felt the effects of having a less stressful life.  I woke up today a little tired but I woke up, my coffee already brewed, had a short snuggle session with the cat and was able to get my face on too. This is because I had an entire hour to get my shit together before having to get on the road (my new commute is an additional 15 minutes, well worth it in the end).  I poured my coffee into my travel mug and let it cool a bit (it’s insulated so I like to keep the lid off a good 20 minutes after I pour it so I don’t burn my tongue off on the way to work) worked on my makeup and brushed my teeth.  Got the cat’s food bowl full (so needy) and I made my lunch for the day too.  All of this and I was out the door on time.  With my other job it seriously didn’t matter how early I woke up, it was a severe struggle to get myself out of bed and ready to go on time. I would lay in bed and not be able to move because I knew where I was going (and I didn’t want to go) and who was going to be there with me (not a fan of this person).

I got to work today  and was caught off guard.  The other instructor with me was in a car accident last night and was trying to line up a rental and all sorts of other stuff (good news, she’s okay.  Her car is not) so I was all alone on the floor today.  The solo instructor.   It went so well.  There were about 4 new to the floor students so they needed extra attention but it was slow enough that I was able to provide them with that, so.  Before I knew it, it was time to get outta there.

I had a long ride home due to some snow flurries and traffic but honestly I wasn’t exhausted.  This is where the realization happened.  With my old job I wasn’t sleeping well/right I would wake up tired.  With just enough time to brush my teeth and throw on some clothes I’d roll into work with half of my makeup worn off.  I’d work and then go home.  As soon as I got home I’d crash for a few hours.  Then I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until midnight-ish just to start the cycle again.  On Thurs and Friday I would work doubles which made it even worse.  But today was different. I worked a full shift, came home and wasn’t tired.  I took care of some dishes in the sink, I removed my gel nails, I put on new polish, I heated up some leftovers for dinner and I watched a couple of episodes of a Netflix show.  And now I’m here.  I’m winding down for the night.  I’m writing (something I love but  never had the energy to do before) and in about an hour I’m going to get my face washed and prepped. Then I’ll read a little bit before hitting the sack about 8 hours before I need to be up.

This is the calmness I’ve been craving in my life.  My schedule is pretty set so this is what it’s gonna be.  I am content. I am less stressed. I think it’s insane that I was able to work a full day and come home and do fun things.  It’s such a great feeling to know I can have a calm evening or, even go out with friends if I wanted to. It’s like my life has taken a 360. I just honestly cannot believe I had enough energy to not fall asleep immediately or just lob myself on the couch to watch television until I crashed.

I am really hoping I am able to write in this blog more.  This would make me insanely happy.  I want to write about fun topics, controversial things and just random shit.

I cannot believe I made it to this place in my life.  I think 2018 is going to actually be my year.  I am so excited to share this with you all!



Yea, I’m fucking depressed.

Hello, it’s me again.

I really wish I could make it a habit to blog every Wednesday on my day off but it’s so hard.  Like my last entry I’m still terribly depressed.  It’s gotten to the point where people can tell I’m not okay so I’ve just stopped trying to hide it.  It’s a bit empowering for me to say it sometimes too.

I really think I need to find a new job.  I was thinking that my waxing job was going better but every now and then when I have a rough day at that job (usually Sundays) the following Monday morning when I’m at my retail job I’ll get a little ding on my phone and it’s my wax boss responding to my recap email.  We send recap emails about our numbers and blah and what we did each shift.  2 out of my 3 shifts usually go pretty well but I feel like my Sunday shift is always leaving something to be desired.  Anyway I got one of those emails a couple of days ago.  I opened it and almost started crying in my backroom.

At my retail job I have to go to work 4 or 5 days a week with a person that is supposed to be my “right hand woman,” and help me but she’s completely insubordinate.  Not only does she have no respect for me as a leader, she has no respect for any other leads in the building.  AT. ALL.  We had a lead quit last month so every now and then we have a visiting lead from another store help out when we need coverage.  One of them is great.  She used to be an Inventory Manager like me, so she gets it and yea that’s how we bonded.  Anyway my consultant needed to be helping out with sales coverage.  I prepped the lead telling her that she has to be ON my consultant like white on fucking rice because she will do whatever she wants.  After literally 2 days working with her… she went to the assistant and was like “what the hell is this?  she will not listen.”

This is the shit I’ve been complaining about for 8 solid months.  Well probably 9 now.  Like I’m sorry but I’m done.  No amount of coaching this girl is going to help.  She just doesn’t care.  I would rather do my job alone than with her.  I would rather run behind in my job because I have to do it all myself than deal with her.  I practically run behind anyway.

So every Monday morning, even if I’m having a good day/morning as soon as I see that coworker and step into that store I am immediately depressed.  Like it completely ruins my mood.  And then if I get an email from my wax boss like the one I got this week?  Christ.

I am just so tired of being reminded that I’m not good enough.  In my professional life.  In my personal life.  In general. I’ve been so depressed at the one retail job that I am unable to get out of bed most days.  It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed and go to that store because I know it’s just going to make my depression worse.  I’m usually 10 minutes late to that job because it doesn’t matter how early I wake up I just cannot get the strength to get out of bed in the morning.

Generally the wax job is okay but the e-mail I got two days ago just spiraled me into this horrid state of depression.  I cannot control people.  I cannot force them to book an appointment with me 4 weeks out.  A lot like to call the day or week they need the appointment.  There is an app you can download and book online that way.  Even I don’t book appointments out like that.  I just refuse because I don’t know what my schedule is going to look like.  I will call the week of because it’s easier for me.

The same thing goes for selling products.  I will talk to people about them but I cannot force them to buy it nor would I ever be that pushy sales bitch.  I only go to the retail shelves when I have confirmed their buy in.  If they are standoffish about it or if they say “no I’m good.” I’m not going to walk them over there.  It’s a waste of everyone’s time.  So short of me holding a gun to their head and forcing them to buy stuff, what the hell am I supposed to do?

The email was worded very harshly.  Basically I was told that at part-time hours to be a productive member of the team I need to be firing on all gears.  I need to “overcome the guests and my own excuses.”  Nice right?  So now I feel like my low sales are bringing the entire team down and I feel like a piece of shit.  I don’t think my coworkers actually feel that way about me.  I don’t think they’re mad about it but when you get an email like that, how the fuck are you supposed to feel?  So yea, it’s going to be really fun at our next team meeting.  It’s my anniversary month so she usually has a little “celebration.” but I don’t feel like celebrating since I’m such a useless member of our team.  None of my other numbers matter I guess.  I’m always the highest for Services and Service $ but you know I’m still useless because I can’t make people buy things.

So that’s what’s been eating at me currently.  Shit sucks.  And not everyone knows my mental state and what triggers episodes for me but like goddamn.  Why are people so shitty all the time?

*sigh* when it rains it fucking pours doesn’t it?  I have an exit strategy for the job situation but it’s not going to be immediate.  It’s going to take some time.  Hopefully by springtime.

I hope everyone has a better day than me. =)


Maybe I’m not a good person.

I’ve been going through a tough time.  I’ve been having a lot of mixed feelings about myself and all that is going on in the last few months.  It’s weird and I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m doing the best I can.

Last week one of the tattoo artists at the tattoo studio that I frequent passed away.  She was not my artist so I didn’t know her other than bullshitting while Bambi tattoos me.  She seriously stood up from her work station, passed out and the paramedics could not restart her heart.  She had an aortic aneurysm.  Just like that.  31 years old and as soon as she stood up one day, boom.  Gone.

All of these people posted such beautiful things on social media about her.  About how she was so beautiful and wonderful and inspiring.  The one thing that someone wrote that really  got to me was one of her coworkers said, “The world is poorer without her but everyone who knew her is so much better because of it.”

And I started crying.  One because it was such a beautiful sentiment from her coworker and friend but because I thought to myself that no one would ever say that about me.  What if that happened to me? What would people write on my social media about me?  My bestie is probably the only one that would have something like that to say about me.  I’m cranky and it’s funny most of the time but that’s really all I’ve got.  I’m not nice because people lack common sense and decency and I can’t hide it anymore. There is no way in hell that any of my coworkers would look back on me and be like, “The world is so much better for having her in it.”  NO GODDAMN WAY.

And I don’t know how to feel about that or how to change it.  There have been things that people have said to me that just make that whole realization even worse.  I’m told I’m hard to love, I’m angry all the time and I don’t like people.  I also dislike all that “everyone means something to someone.” bullshit too.  It just sucks knowing that I truly believe that the people I work with would not have anything to say about me.  Like I could never imagine anyone (other than my bff or my family) saying that I was such a joy to be around and that I was so great and wonderful.  It fucking blows.  What in the hell is my purpose on this earth if I’m not making the world better by simply existing as a nice person? Is my purpose to be cranky and bitchy and write funny blogs and then die alone because I am impossible to love and be around? Great. Where’s that stupid ass shifty eyes frowny face that looks like my face every day?

Part of me wonders if maybe I need a new job.  I mean I was practically told that I’m not able to be promoted because I don’t smile enough and I’m not fun and inviting.  Like my boss and her boss seriously told me that.  I mean I thought promotions were based on performance, skills and expertise but clearly I was wrong about that. I feel like my job is a large source of stress.  I have to work in a setting with some people I can’t even fucking stand to be around.  I have to work with people who can’t read simple instructions.  People that flush tampons and throw food in the sink without turning on the garbage disposal.  People that can’t clean up after themselves and leave rotting leftovers in the fridge and leave fruit lying around so there are fruit flies everywhere.  People that will remove a full trash bag but not put a new one in so that others then start to pile in their garbage without a fucking can liner in there.  THAT is what I work with (although the last bit about the can liner hasn’t happened recently so…).  I also have an insubordinate working under me.  I don’t care that she’s a fucking Millennial.  Learn how to function like an adult.  Participation trophies are not given out here.  The world does not revolve around you and you are NO WHERE near as knowledgeable about my field as I am, so nice try. I’ve been doing this job for 6 years and the same job but with a different company for 4 years before that.  That’s 10 years experience. You’ve been here a year.

Seriously, I now have people refusing to work with her.  I hate working with her. When I force her to do her job (aka things she tries to leave so that someone else does them for her) she gets mad at me.  If I question ANYTHING she does she gets defensive (even if it’s just a simple, what is this piece? is it new? can I toss it? Are you done with it?) she gets defensive tells me she’s following the directions and to not make a big deal about it. I just stare back blankly saying “I seriously just asked if I could toss this.  Don’t make this a big deal because I’m not.”  It’s like she thinks I’m yelling at her whenever I question something.  Like get over it, you don’t know it all so stop being offended when I tell you something.  It’s my JOB.

So, maybe if I got a new job it would be better?  I just feel like I shouldn’t be so stressed out and pissed off all the time.  Is there even a job out there that could actually have me not stressed out?

Would that make me a better person? I know I have friends and great friendships but it just sucks because the people who were closest to me are now gone.  I can’t be mad at my friends for chasing their dreams and moving to other places to make that happen but it just sucks that they aren’t here any more.

I am also struggling a little because my best friend is getting married.  She’s my number 1 and I know that I’m her number 1.  Believe me, her fiance knows his place.  He seriously knows that I will always be first and he’s great but I’m not sure why I’m just not keen on the idea of sharing her.  AGAIN, it’s completely irrational because I don’t have to share her, I never have but it’s all becoming real.

Wow, this is all over the place. It’s been a really rough last few months with all these weird emotions.  I just want to be a good person and I want to leave the world better than I found it.  I honestly don’t know if I meet that criteria right now.  How do you know what kind of mark you’re leaving on the world? How do you battle your own demons and thoughts and emotions?




A couple of things all in the same blog entry.

I feel like there are so many things I want to touch on that instead of trying to make full posts about all of them I’ll just put my ramblings here. Please note I forgot to post this.  What the hell girl?  This is seriously from like 3 weeks ago.  Enjoy.

The shooting of Justine Damond:  So this is disappointing.  It takes a goddamn white woman getting shot for people to be like “we need to look at police reform.”  Are you kidding me?  How many black and brown people have been shot like this while everyone sat around screaming that “we need to get all the facts before we condemn this police officer.”  Where are all the Blue Lives Matter people now?  Oh it’s because it’s a  Black Somalian Cop that shot a White Woman.  Seriously, where are the Blue Lives Matter people now?  I didn’t see any posts on Facebook from you.  If you can’t see the racism in America now, you are truly blind.  Do not get me wrong, this woman did not deserve to be gunned down while wearing pajamas in her backyard but it just pisses me off that it took a white woman to get killed by the cops to open people’s eyes.  The sad part is that it hasn’t even opened their eyes enough because the next brown person that gets gunned down by the cops is going to be business as usual.  The next innocent black person that gets killed while just being respectful and following the officers orders is going to have his/her entire life and “criminal record” plastered all over the paper and it will talk about what a “thug” they are. The sad truth is that this woman’s death is not going to change anything.

Whole 30: So, diets are annoying.  I’ve gone keto plenty of times knowing that it is a quick fix and that unless I stop eating crap food and keep working out I’ll gain it back.  So don’t get me wrong, I’m all about understanding that.  Which is why Whole 30 is stupid.  Okay I get it, you “wipe the slate clean” for 30 days and then start adding stuff back in to see what is “inflammatory.”  My main thing that I hated about whole 30 is that it asks you to cut out things that aren’t bad for you.  Also if you are veggie or vegan like me your options are super limited because having meat and eggs every day is not an option.  LEGUMES AND GRAINS ARE NOT BAD.  The problem is that we eat way too much of them.  So Whole 30 says after your 30 days you can start adding back in things like grains and legumes slowly to see what effects they have on your body.  Okay so what if after 30 days I try to eat black beans and it upsets my stomach.  ARE YOU KIDDING? I’m supposed to never eat black beans again?  Negative, they’re good for you.  Also what is the point of cutting it out if you are going to add it back in?  If you cut anything out of your diet when you add it back in you’re going to react differently to it.  That’s a given.  I get that it’s about building habits of healthy eating but you can also do that without cutting things out completely.

I think part of it is the way the website talks about things.  It’s kind of annoying.  “it’s ONLY 30 days, just drink your coffee black for 30 days, you can do it.”  Can I do it?  Probably but I’m not going to drink my coffee black after the 30 days so, sorry.  I put a splash of vanilla almond milk creamer (my coffee is still dark brown) and a little stevia in the raw in there.  That’s how its gonna be.  That much coffee creamer and stevia is NOT going to harm me.  I once cut out coffee for a whole month (okay it was February, but it was a leap year! 29 days) and you want to know what I learned from it?  That  I can do it but I’ll never do it again.  Coffee is not harmful to me and I enjoy having coffee so why would I cut out something that I enjoy and is not detrimental to my health?

Also if you have time google “Can you do whole 30 as vegetarian or vegan?”  Because that part of the website is GODDAMN HILARIOUS.  Being a veggiesaurus and vegansaurus I know that I will have people bitching about my choices.  The fun thing is that it is MY choice.  I’m not making you eat tofu and I really don’t care what you eat.  I wish everyone would be vegan but I know it’s not going to happen and there’s not much I can do about it.  But I have my own set of ethical and moral things and you should also respect that.  Anyway, back to Whole 30, so the language used on the websites and such is “well you can do it but it won’t be a true whole 30 because you’ll need to eat legumes and you may or may not eat eggs.”  Some shit about Whole 30 involves a lot of animal protein.  So way to make me feel like a terrible person for wanting to make changes to my diet without consuming animal products.  Sorry I have moral and ethical reasons that I don’t want to consume steak, chicken, fish or pork?  Anyway it’s just the way the whole thing is worded that makes me want to slap someone.

So I’ve decided to do my own version of Whole 30, which basically means I’m trying to eat more whole foods.  Things that have ONE ingredient on the label.  I try to do most of my shopping in the produce section BUT I will also eat legumes, rice and potatoes because they are not unhealthy if I portion it correctly.  For dinner tonight I had 3/4 c rice with sautéed peppers and onions with a little salsa on top.  Thinking that’s pretty healthy.  Had a banana for breakfast with coffee.  An avocado (with hot sauce)  and some grapes for lunch.  Whole30 or not I think that’s a great improvement from vegan pizza from Pizza Luce or Vegan taco bell.  Suck it Whole 30.


The Hatred in their hearts.

I’ve felt prompted to write again.  Huzzah!  I seriously have 7 blog “drafts” and for some reason can’t seem to be bothered to finish them.  I often tell myself “I’m not a writer.”  Maybe I am.  I probably could be if I could make it a priority.  *sigh* one day.  Life gets in the way guys.

Anyway, I was scrolling through Facebook and was “triggered” by a post.  Not trigger in the sense of getting all whiney because someone mentions something that has hurt me in the past or you know.  Anyway basically the post got me thinking.  I’ve seen this person (old co-worker from the past that I haven’t spoken to in 6+ years) post similar things and I just don’t understand the hatred she spews on the internet sometimes.

I get it.  You hear a news story and it upsets you because humans are often horrible to one another.  The problem here is that she will post a news story and then consistently call the perpetrator disgusting names and talk about how they need to die a horrible death.  I don’t think that is okay.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it is okay for someone to commit horrible crimes or do unspeakable acts especially to other living beings but to call these people out and say that you support torturing and killing them is a little bit absurd.

For example she posts often about articles she sees in the local paper and usually it involves assholes that hurt children.  She’s a mom and I know that she thinks about what she would do to these people if it were her child that was harmed.  So I get that momma bear instinct to fight to the death for your own child (I know my momma feels that way about me and even though I have no devilspawn/crotchfruit of my own if anyone hurt my baby boy (The most handsome cat) I’d likely want to go into a fit of rage and crack some skulls).  HOWEVER I don’t think I’d want to publicly be like “I’m going take this piece of shit abuser into a back alley and rip out their teeth one by one and then throw them into a vat of acid.”  That’s a little much and I could never condone hurting someone (even if they’ve done something bad) like that EVER.

But usually the post is the same.  She calls the perpetrator a piece of shit and then usually says they need to die the same way their victim did. The old eye for an eye thing.  What’s that saying though?  An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind?  Yea probably will.

I once had a conversation with a coworker about that orange fucking orangutan in the Oval Office when he was gently implying that he thinks things like waterboarding and torture are effective means of gaining information and completely okay.  My coworker brought up an interesting point in that we as Americans kind of feel like we are above treating people like that but the people we would be interrogating with those means don’t feel above it because they chop off heads and slit throats and waterboard Americans that they capture.  Which I understand but where do you draw the line?  Oh, that person cut off a head so we can cut off one of their people’s heads?  No, that’s not how this shit should work.  If you rape someone that means you need to be raped?  No, no it doesn’t.

I also don’t have an answer for what an acceptable form of punishment is.  We have prisons but they’re also full of people serving time for stupid shit.  My neighbors boyfriend (not sure if they’re still together? maybe) is seriously almost done serving 7 years in prison.  For what you ask?  He got a felony for selling weed. *sigh*  It’s a fucked up system.  He never hurt anyone, killed anyone… but he gets 7 years and then other people get like 30 months for stabbing a person to death.  Awesome.  And of course then you get people saying things like, “They don’t deserve prison.  They get free food and cable and they can get an education for free!” Oh no, trying to better someone who has committed a crime!?  Also the felony is also going to lead them back to a life of crime because they won’t be able to get a job anyway.  Perfect circle of bullshit.

The other weird thing about this is that a lot of times I will also see her post about animal abuse.  It’s always been something that bothers me when people freak the fuck out about people eating dog meat or using dogs in fighting rings or just general abuse of animals… but are totally chill eating other animals.  It’s just something I can’t understand.  You are mad when you hear of people abusing dogs but you’re okay paying someone to slit a pigs throat so you can have fucking bacon in the morning?  How is that any different?  How is it that pigs, cows and chickens are thought of to be lesser than cats and dogs?  Don’t get me wrong, I disagree with animal abuse of any kind but that is also why I don’t eat meat.  There is no humane way to kill an animal that was brought into existence so that you could eat it.  [end vegan plug]

Basically I guess I’m just confused as to why there is so much hatred in people’s hearts.  She’s not the only person I know that feels this way.  Social media is a great tool to really reconnect with people from your past and realize “this is why I don’t talk to you anymore.”



The last couple weeks of my life have proven to be tough.  Shit just clearly isn’t going my way.  It’s like things are crumbling before my eyes.  It all started with accidentally burning my hand with piping hot wax.  It went downhill from there.  I burned my hand, ended up seeing this boy that treats me like garbage (it pisses me off) and then the next day I find out that I was passed over for a promotion that I’ve been waiting YEARS to open up in our district (which, when I took my current position I was told that this would be the next step for me as soon as it opened up in our district) and to top it all off Facebook decided to remind me that one of my best friends in the world died 3 years ago that day.

Lovely right.  Nothing great has really happened since then either. Luckily nothing terrible but it hasn’t been all roses either.

The main thing that irritates me is being passed up for the promotion.  Now, I knew that I wasn’t going to get it anyway because I wasn’t even NOTIFIED that the position was even open in the district (this company is super great at keeping things hush-hush when they have someone they already want to do it and it pisses me off) but of course if you never ask the answer will always be no.  So I reached out to my boss’s boss (because I don’t feel that my boss supports me).  I told her that a little birdie told me the position was open and posted online and asked her if it was a feasible option for me.  The response I got was crap.  I was told that it’s a high level position and that they would be in charge of HR pieces as well so they are considering candidates that have experience in performance management, hiring and development of teams.  Blah Blah my boss can give me specifics  on what I can work on to be considered for a position like that in the future.

You know because I did NONE OF THOSE THINGS AT THE JOB I HAD BEFORE I GOT THIS ONE EITHER. OH wait, that’s all I fucking did before I started working for this company.  My entire job was to do all the shit my boss wasn’t willing to do.  Interviewing potential employees, taking care of a department that was responsible for like 40% of the stores sales, having all the HR conversations and writing up disciplinary forms, setting planograms for the entire middle section of the store and running a goddamn team of like 10 – 15 people to get shit done.  At my current job I don’t have the authority to do any HR stuff because I’m not exempt but I am the one that develops my whole team.  I’m the only one in the store that knows how to do my job so I’m the only one that can train people to help me do my job and the work of my department.  But you know, I’m an asshole and I refuse to drink the “kool-aid” so I can’t be promoted.  *side eye emoji*

Even though I knew I wasn’t even being considered for the position it still hurts.  It made me question my skills.  It made me wonder if maybe I wasn’t actually any good at my job.  I don’t feel like my boss supports me and half the time with the way she treats me it also makes me question whether or not I am actually good at what I do.  I’m not sure what hurts more the fact that my district manager (who is the person that hired me 6 years ago and when I first started with the company she was my direct manager) gave me this bullshit fluff reason as to why I’m not being considered (oh and ended that e-mail with “I appreciate your passion and expertise in your department”)  Or the fact that I wasted 6 years or my life working to get that promotion only to realize there’s no where for me to go.

Of course she then told my boss that I reached out about the position.  So then my boss tries to have a heart to heart with me.  She said she should have told me about the position but every time I have one-on-one development convos with her I tell her “I don’t know where I want to be in the future with the company.”  Of course I told her that if she thought I would be good for the job she should encourage me to go for it, regardless of what I tell her.  Then she gave me some BS about how I need to work on my attitude and that a person in that position needs to make the department a fun and inviting place to be.  The majority of my team hasn’t quit because of me and the ones that did leave (to go to school and to use their actual degree) stayed as long as they did because of me.  They would have left a hell of a lot earlier if it was anyone else.  But you know, clearly no one likes to work with me because I’m not fun and inviting!  I bring something different to the table.  I’m realistic.  I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because your my boss, I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking and in the retail world I think that’s a strength.  Of course this doesn’t align with what my boss and boss’s boss and boss’s boss’s boss want so I guess I’m shit outta luck.

How fun can you make this job? We seriously get covered in makeup and dust, I injure myself daily and we do all the heavy lifting and things that other coworkers can’t be bothered to do.  How FUN does that sound? All for a glorious $10/hr.  Like, no one is gonna stay with me forever making $10/hr it’s not sustainable.  So I don’t blame them for that.

It’s difficult but in order to move up in this company I have to be someone who I’m not.  I would think that my skills and knowledge are enough but that’s not so.  I think I need to find a new job.  I’m not challenged in my current position and I’m not going to do this forever. If the next logical step in my career is not an option for me then why am I here?  Unfortunately the only reason I haven’t jumped ship is because I need the healthcare benefits.  My wax job doesn’t offer benefits (yet) so I can’t really leave my current job.  At least not until I get my new prescription next month and my years worth of contacts in April. =(

I’ve been looking but its hard because I don’t want to leave my wax job and I’m not finding places (that aren’t retail) that are flexible enough to accommodate that.  I would leave both jobs if I had to but in order to do that I need to find one that pays me what both jobs combined brings in which is a little easier said than done.

Okay, I’m done with this subject for now. It’s depressing me more and more every time I think about it.