Yea, I’m fucking depressed.

Hello, it’s me again.

I really wish I could make it a habit to blog every Wednesday on my day off but it’s so hard.  Like my last entry I’m still terribly depressed.  It’s gotten to the point where people can tell I’m not okay so I’ve just stopped trying to hide it.  It’s a bit empowering for me to say it sometimes too.

I really think I need to find a new job.  I was thinking that my waxing job was going better but every now and then when I have a rough day at that job (usually Sundays) the following Monday morning when I’m at my retail job I’ll get a little ding on my phone and it’s my wax boss responding to my recap email.  We send recap emails about our numbers and blah and what we did each shift.  2 out of my 3 shifts usually go pretty well but I feel like my Sunday shift is always leaving something to be desired.  Anyway I got one of those emails a couple of days ago.  I opened it and almost started crying in my backroom.

At my retail job I have to go to work 4 or 5 days a week with a person that is supposed to be my “right hand woman,” and help me but she’s completely insubordinate.  Not only does she have no respect for me as a leader, she has no respect for any other leads in the building.  AT. ALL.  We had a lead quit last month so every now and then we have a visiting lead from another store help out when we need coverage.  One of them is great.  She used to be an Inventory Manager like me, so she gets it and yea that’s how we bonded.  Anyway my consultant needed to be helping out with sales coverage.  I prepped the lead telling her that she has to be ON my consultant like white on fucking rice because she will do whatever she wants.  After literally 2 days working with her… she went to the assistant and was like “what the hell is this?  she will not listen.”

This is the shit I’ve been complaining about for 8 solid months.  Well probably 9 now.  Like I’m sorry but I’m done.  No amount of coaching this girl is going to help.  She just doesn’t care.  I would rather do my job alone than with her.  I would rather run behind in my job because I have to do it all myself than deal with her.  I practically run behind anyway.

So every Monday morning, even if I’m having a good day/morning as soon as I see that coworker and step into that store I am immediately depressed.  Like it completely ruins my mood.  And then if I get an email from my wax boss like the one I got this week?  Christ.

I am just so tired of being reminded that I’m not good enough.  In my professional life.  In my personal life.  In general. I’ve been so depressed at the one retail job that I am unable to get out of bed most days.  It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed and go to that store because I know it’s just going to make my depression worse.  I’m usually 10 minutes late to that job because it doesn’t matter how early I wake up I just cannot get the strength to get out of bed in the morning.

Generally the wax job is okay but the e-mail I got two days ago just spiraled me into this horrid state of depression.  I cannot control people.  I cannot force them to book an appointment with me 4 weeks out.  A lot like to call the day or week they need the appointment.  There is an app you can download and book online that way.  Even I don’t book appointments out like that.  I just refuse because I don’t know what my schedule is going to look like.  I will call the week of because it’s easier for me.

The same thing goes for selling products.  I will talk to people about them but I cannot force them to buy it nor would I ever be that pushy sales bitch.  I only go to the retail shelves when I have confirmed their buy in.  If they are standoffish about it or if they say “no I’m good.” I’m not going to walk them over there.  It’s a waste of everyone’s time.  So short of me holding a gun to their head and forcing them to buy stuff, what the hell am I supposed to do?

The email was worded very harshly.  Basically I was told that at part-time hours to be a productive member of the team I need to be firing on all gears.  I need to “overcome the guests and my own excuses.”  Nice right?  So now I feel like my low sales are bringing the entire team down and I feel like a piece of shit.  I don’t think my coworkers actually feel that way about me.  I don’t think they’re mad about it but when you get an email like that, how the fuck are you supposed to feel?  So yea, it’s going to be really fun at our next team meeting.  It’s my anniversary month so she usually has a little “celebration.” but I don’t feel like celebrating since I’m such a useless member of our team.  None of my other numbers matter I guess.  I’m always the highest for Services and Service $ but you know I’m still useless because I can’t make people buy things.

So that’s what’s been eating at me currently.  Shit sucks.  And not everyone knows my mental state and what triggers episodes for me but like goddamn.  Why are people so shitty all the time?

*sigh* when it rains it fucking pours doesn’t it?  I have an exit strategy for the job situation but it’s not going to be immediate.  It’s going to take some time.  Hopefully by springtime.

I hope everyone has a better day than me. =)

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Maybe I’m not a good person.

I’ve been going through a tough time.  I’ve been having a lot of mixed feelings about myself and all that is going on in the last few months.  It’s weird and I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m doing the best I can.

Last week one of the tattoo artists at the tattoo studio that I frequent passed away.  She was not my artist so I didn’t know her other than bullshitting while Bambi tattoos me.  She seriously stood up from her work station, passed out and the paramedics could not restart her heart.  She had an aortic aneurysm.  Just like that.  31 years old and as soon as she stood up one day, boom.  Gone.

All of these people posted such beautiful things on social media about her.  About how she was so beautiful and wonderful and inspiring.  The one thing that someone wrote that really  got to me was one of her coworkers said, “The world is poorer without her but everyone who knew her is so much better because of it.”

And I started crying.  One because it was such a beautiful sentiment from her coworker and friend but because I thought to myself that no one would ever say that about me.  What if that happened to me? What would people write on my social media about me?  My bestie is probably the only one that would have something like that to say about me.  I’m cranky and it’s funny most of the time but that’s really all I’ve got.  I’m not nice because people lack common sense and decency and I can’t hide it anymore. There is no way in hell that any of my coworkers would look back on me and be like, “The world is so much better for having her in it.”  NO GODDAMN WAY.

And I don’t know how to feel about that or how to change it.  There have been things that people have said to me that just make that whole realization even worse.  I’m told I’m hard to love, I’m angry all the time and I don’t like people.  I also dislike all that “everyone means something to someone.” bullshit too.  It just sucks knowing that I truly believe that the people I work with would not have anything to say about me.  Like I could never imagine anyone (other than my bff or my family) saying that I was such a joy to be around and that I was so great and wonderful.  It fucking blows.  What in the hell is my purpose on this earth if I’m not making the world better by simply existing as a nice person? Is my purpose to be cranky and bitchy and write funny blogs and then die alone because I am impossible to love and be around? Great. Where’s that stupid ass shifty eyes frowny face that looks like my face every day?

Part of me wonders if maybe I need a new job.  I mean I was practically told that I’m not able to be promoted because I don’t smile enough and I’m not fun and inviting.  Like my boss and her boss seriously told me that.  I mean I thought promotions were based on performance, skills and expertise but clearly I was wrong about that. I feel like my job is a large source of stress.  I have to work in a setting with some people I can’t even fucking stand to be around.  I have to work with people who can’t read simple instructions.  People that flush tampons and throw food in the sink without turning on the garbage disposal.  People that can’t clean up after themselves and leave rotting leftovers in the fridge and leave fruit lying around so there are fruit flies everywhere.  People that will remove a full trash bag but not put a new one in so that others then start to pile in their garbage without a fucking can liner in there.  THAT is what I work with (although the last bit about the can liner hasn’t happened recently so…).  I also have an insubordinate working under me.  I don’t care that she’s a fucking Millennial.  Learn how to function like an adult.  Participation trophies are not given out here.  The world does not revolve around you and you are NO WHERE near as knowledgeable about my field as I am, so nice try. I’ve been doing this job for 6 years and the same job but with a different company for 4 years before that.  That’s 10 years experience. You’ve been here a year.

Seriously, I now have people refusing to work with her.  I hate working with her. When I force her to do her job (aka things she tries to leave so that someone else does them for her) she gets mad at me.  If I question ANYTHING she does she gets defensive (even if it’s just a simple, what is this piece? is it new? can I toss it? Are you done with it?) she gets defensive tells me she’s following the directions and to not make a big deal about it. I just stare back blankly saying “I seriously just asked if I could toss this.  Don’t make this a big deal because I’m not.”  It’s like she thinks I’m yelling at her whenever I question something.  Like get over it, you don’t know it all so stop being offended when I tell you something.  It’s my JOB.

So, maybe if I got a new job it would be better?  I just feel like I shouldn’t be so stressed out and pissed off all the time.  Is there even a job out there that could actually have me not stressed out?

Would that make me a better person? I know I have friends and great friendships but it just sucks because the people who were closest to me are now gone.  I can’t be mad at my friends for chasing their dreams and moving to other places to make that happen but it just sucks that they aren’t here any more.

I am also struggling a little because my best friend is getting married.  She’s my number 1 and I know that I’m her number 1.  Believe me, her fiance knows his place.  He seriously knows that I will always be first and he’s great but I’m not sure why I’m just not keen on the idea of sharing her.  AGAIN, it’s completely irrational because I don’t have to share her, I never have but it’s all becoming real.

Wow, this is all over the place. It’s been a really rough last few months with all these weird emotions.  I just want to be a good person and I want to leave the world better than I found it.  I honestly don’t know if I meet that criteria right now.  How do you know what kind of mark you’re leaving on the world? How do you battle your own demons and thoughts and emotions?

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A couple of things all in the same blog entry.

I feel like there are so many things I want to touch on that instead of trying to make full posts about all of them I’ll just put my ramblings here. Please note I forgot to post this.  What the hell girl?  This is seriously from like 3 weeks ago.  Enjoy.

The shooting of Justine Damond:  So this is disappointing.  It takes a goddamn white woman getting shot for people to be like “we need to look at police reform.”  Are you kidding me?  How many black and brown people have been shot like this while everyone sat around screaming that “we need to get all the facts before we condemn this police officer.”  Where are all the Blue Lives Matter people now?  Oh it’s because it’s a  Black Somalian Cop that shot a White Woman.  Seriously, where are the Blue Lives Matter people now?  I didn’t see any posts on Facebook from you.  If you can’t see the racism in America now, you are truly blind.  Do not get me wrong, this woman did not deserve to be gunned down while wearing pajamas in her backyard but it just pisses me off that it took a white woman to get killed by the cops to open people’s eyes.  The sad part is that it hasn’t even opened their eyes enough because the next brown person that gets gunned down by the cops is going to be business as usual.  The next innocent black person that gets killed while just being respectful and following the officers orders is going to have his/her entire life and “criminal record” plastered all over the paper and it will talk about what a “thug” they are. The sad truth is that this woman’s death is not going to change anything.

Whole 30: So, diets are annoying.  I’ve gone keto plenty of times knowing that it is a quick fix and that unless I stop eating crap food and keep working out I’ll gain it back.  So don’t get me wrong, I’m all about understanding that.  Which is why Whole 30 is stupid.  Okay I get it, you “wipe the slate clean” for 30 days and then start adding stuff back in to see what is “inflammatory.”  My main thing that I hated about whole 30 is that it asks you to cut out things that aren’t bad for you.  Also if you are veggie or vegan like me your options are super limited because having meat and eggs every day is not an option.  LEGUMES AND GRAINS ARE NOT BAD.  The problem is that we eat way too much of them.  So Whole 30 says after your 30 days you can start adding back in things like grains and legumes slowly to see what effects they have on your body.  Okay so what if after 30 days I try to eat black beans and it upsets my stomach.  ARE YOU KIDDING? I’m supposed to never eat black beans again?  Negative, they’re good for you.  Also what is the point of cutting it out if you are going to add it back in?  If you cut anything out of your diet when you add it back in you’re going to react differently to it.  That’s a given.  I get that it’s about building habits of healthy eating but you can also do that without cutting things out completely.

I think part of it is the way the website talks about things.  It’s kind of annoying.  “it’s ONLY 30 days, just drink your coffee black for 30 days, you can do it.”  Can I do it?  Probably but I’m not going to drink my coffee black after the 30 days so, sorry.  I put a splash of vanilla almond milk creamer (my coffee is still dark brown) and a little stevia in the raw in there.  That’s how its gonna be.  That much coffee creamer and stevia is NOT going to harm me.  I once cut out coffee for a whole month (okay it was February, but it was a leap year! 29 days) and you want to know what I learned from it?  That  I can do it but I’ll never do it again.  Coffee is not harmful to me and I enjoy having coffee so why would I cut out something that I enjoy and is not detrimental to my health?

Also if you have time google “Can you do whole 30 as vegetarian or vegan?”  Because that part of the website is GODDAMN HILARIOUS.  Being a veggiesaurus and vegansaurus I know that I will have people bitching about my choices.  The fun thing is that it is MY choice.  I’m not making you eat tofu and I really don’t care what you eat.  I wish everyone would be vegan but I know it’s not going to happen and there’s not much I can do about it.  But I have my own set of ethical and moral things and you should also respect that.  Anyway, back to Whole 30, so the language used on the websites and such is “well you can do it but it won’t be a true whole 30 because you’ll need to eat legumes and you may or may not eat eggs.”  Some shit about Whole 30 involves a lot of animal protein.  So way to make me feel like a terrible person for wanting to make changes to my diet without consuming animal products.  Sorry I have moral and ethical reasons that I don’t want to consume steak, chicken, fish or pork?  Anyway it’s just the way the whole thing is worded that makes me want to slap someone.

So I’ve decided to do my own version of Whole 30, which basically means I’m trying to eat more whole foods.  Things that have ONE ingredient on the label.  I try to do most of my shopping in the produce section BUT I will also eat legumes, rice and potatoes because they are not unhealthy if I portion it correctly.  For dinner tonight I had 3/4 c rice with sautéed peppers and onions with a little salsa on top.  Thinking that’s pretty healthy.  Had a banana for breakfast with coffee.  An avocado (with hot sauce)  and some grapes for lunch.  Whole30 or not I think that’s a great improvement from vegan pizza from Pizza Luce or Vegan taco bell.  Suck it Whole 30.

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The Hatred in their hearts.

I’ve felt prompted to write again.  Huzzah!  I seriously have 7 blog “drafts” and for some reason can’t seem to be bothered to finish them.  I often tell myself “I’m not a writer.”  Maybe I am.  I probably could be if I could make it a priority.  *sigh* one day.  Life gets in the way guys.

Anyway, I was scrolling through Facebook and was “triggered” by a post.  Not trigger in the sense of getting all whiney because someone mentions something that has hurt me in the past or you know.  Anyway basically the post got me thinking.  I’ve seen this person (old co-worker from the past that I haven’t spoken to in 6+ years) post similar things and I just don’t understand the hatred she spews on the internet sometimes.

I get it.  You hear a news story and it upsets you because humans are often horrible to one another.  The problem here is that she will post a news story and then consistently call the perpetrator disgusting names and talk about how they need to die a horrible death.  I don’t think that is okay.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it is okay for someone to commit horrible crimes or do unspeakable acts especially to other living beings but to call these people out and say that you support torturing and killing them is a little bit absurd.

For example she posts often about articles she sees in the local paper and usually it involves assholes that hurt children.  She’s a mom and I know that she thinks about what she would do to these people if it were her child that was harmed.  So I get that momma bear instinct to fight to the death for your own child (I know my momma feels that way about me and even though I have no devilspawn/crotchfruit of my own if anyone hurt my baby boy (The most handsome cat) I’d likely want to go into a fit of rage and crack some skulls).  HOWEVER I don’t think I’d want to publicly be like “I’m going take this piece of shit abuser into a back alley and rip out their teeth one by one and then throw them into a vat of acid.”  That’s a little much and I could never condone hurting someone (even if they’ve done something bad) like that EVER.

But usually the post is the same.  She calls the perpetrator a piece of shit and then usually says they need to die the same way their victim did. The old eye for an eye thing.  What’s that saying though?  An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind?  Yea probably will.

I once had a conversation with a coworker about that orange fucking orangutan in the Oval Office when he was gently implying that he thinks things like waterboarding and torture are effective means of gaining information and completely okay.  My coworker brought up an interesting point in that we as Americans kind of feel like we are above treating people like that but the people we would be interrogating with those means don’t feel above it because they chop off heads and slit throats and waterboard Americans that they capture.  Which I understand but where do you draw the line?  Oh, that person cut off a head so we can cut off one of their people’s heads?  No, that’s not how this shit should work.  If you rape someone that means you need to be raped?  No, no it doesn’t.

I also don’t have an answer for what an acceptable form of punishment is.  We have prisons but they’re also full of people serving time for stupid shit.  My neighbors boyfriend (not sure if they’re still together? maybe) is seriously almost done serving 7 years in prison.  For what you ask?  He got a felony for selling weed. *sigh*  It’s a fucked up system.  He never hurt anyone, killed anyone… but he gets 7 years and then other people get like 30 months for stabbing a person to death.  Awesome.  And of course then you get people saying things like, “They don’t deserve prison.  They get free food and cable and they can get an education for free!” Oh no, trying to better someone who has committed a crime!?  Also the felony is also going to lead them back to a life of crime because they won’t be able to get a job anyway.  Perfect circle of bullshit.

The other weird thing about this is that a lot of times I will also see her post about animal abuse.  It’s always been something that bothers me when people freak the fuck out about people eating dog meat or using dogs in fighting rings or just general abuse of animals… but are totally chill eating other animals.  It’s just something I can’t understand.  You are mad when you hear of people abusing dogs but you’re okay paying someone to slit a pigs throat so you can have fucking bacon in the morning?  How is that any different?  How is it that pigs, cows and chickens are thought of to be lesser than cats and dogs?  Don’t get me wrong, I disagree with animal abuse of any kind but that is also why I don’t eat meat.  There is no humane way to kill an animal that was brought into existence so that you could eat it.  [end vegan plug]

Basically I guess I’m just confused as to why there is so much hatred in people’s hearts.  She’s not the only person I know that feels this way.  Social media is a great tool to really reconnect with people from your past and realize “this is why I don’t talk to you anymore.”

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Failure.

The last couple weeks of my life have proven to be tough.  Shit just clearly isn’t going my way.  It’s like things are crumbling before my eyes.  It all started with accidentally burning my hand with piping hot wax.  It went downhill from there.  I burned my hand, ended up seeing this boy that treats me like garbage (it pisses me off) and then the next day I find out that I was passed over for a promotion that I’ve been waiting YEARS to open up in our district (which, when I took my current position I was told that this would be the next step for me as soon as it opened up in our district) and to top it all off Facebook decided to remind me that one of my best friends in the world died 3 years ago that day.

Lovely right.  Nothing great has really happened since then either. Luckily nothing terrible but it hasn’t been all roses either.

The main thing that irritates me is being passed up for the promotion.  Now, I knew that I wasn’t going to get it anyway because I wasn’t even NOTIFIED that the position was even open in the district (this company is super great at keeping things hush-hush when they have someone they already want to do it and it pisses me off) but of course if you never ask the answer will always be no.  So I reached out to my boss’s boss (because I don’t feel that my boss supports me).  I told her that a little birdie told me the position was open and posted online and asked her if it was a feasible option for me.  The response I got was crap.  I was told that it’s a high level position and that they would be in charge of HR pieces as well so they are considering candidates that have experience in performance management, hiring and development of teams.  Blah Blah my boss can give me specifics  on what I can work on to be considered for a position like that in the future.

You know because I did NONE OF THOSE THINGS AT THE JOB I HAD BEFORE I GOT THIS ONE EITHER. OH wait, that’s all I fucking did before I started working for this company.  My entire job was to do all the shit my boss wasn’t willing to do.  Interviewing potential employees, taking care of a department that was responsible for like 40% of the stores sales, having all the HR conversations and writing up disciplinary forms, setting planograms for the entire middle section of the store and running a goddamn team of like 10 – 15 people to get shit done.  At my current job I don’t have the authority to do any HR stuff because I’m not exempt but I am the one that develops my whole team.  I’m the only one in the store that knows how to do my job so I’m the only one that can train people to help me do my job and the work of my department.  But you know, I’m an asshole and I refuse to drink the “kool-aid” so I can’t be promoted.  *side eye emoji*

Even though I knew I wasn’t even being considered for the position it still hurts.  It made me question my skills.  It made me wonder if maybe I wasn’t actually any good at my job.  I don’t feel like my boss supports me and half the time with the way she treats me it also makes me question whether or not I am actually good at what I do.  I’m not sure what hurts more the fact that my district manager (who is the person that hired me 6 years ago and when I first started with the company she was my direct manager) gave me this bullshit fluff reason as to why I’m not being considered (oh and ended that e-mail with “I appreciate your passion and expertise in your department”)  Or the fact that I wasted 6 years or my life working to get that promotion only to realize there’s no where for me to go.

Of course she then told my boss that I reached out about the position.  So then my boss tries to have a heart to heart with me.  She said she should have told me about the position but every time I have one-on-one development convos with her I tell her “I don’t know where I want to be in the future with the company.”  Of course I told her that if she thought I would be good for the job she should encourage me to go for it, regardless of what I tell her.  Then she gave me some BS about how I need to work on my attitude and that a person in that position needs to make the department a fun and inviting place to be.  The majority of my team hasn’t quit because of me and the ones that did leave (to go to school and to use their actual degree) stayed as long as they did because of me.  They would have left a hell of a lot earlier if it was anyone else.  But you know, clearly no one likes to work with me because I’m not fun and inviting!  I bring something different to the table.  I’m realistic.  I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because your my boss, I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking and in the retail world I think that’s a strength.  Of course this doesn’t align with what my boss and boss’s boss and boss’s boss’s boss want so I guess I’m shit outta luck.

How fun can you make this job? We seriously get covered in makeup and dust, I injure myself daily and we do all the heavy lifting and things that other coworkers can’t be bothered to do.  How FUN does that sound? All for a glorious $10/hr.  Like, no one is gonna stay with me forever making $10/hr it’s not sustainable.  So I don’t blame them for that.

It’s difficult but in order to move up in this company I have to be someone who I’m not.  I would think that my skills and knowledge are enough but that’s not so.  I think I need to find a new job.  I’m not challenged in my current position and I’m not going to do this forever. If the next logical step in my career is not an option for me then why am I here?  Unfortunately the only reason I haven’t jumped ship is because I need the healthcare benefits.  My wax job doesn’t offer benefits (yet) so I can’t really leave my current job.  At least not until I get my new prescription next month and my years worth of contacts in April. =(

I’ve been looking but its hard because I don’t want to leave my wax job and I’m not finding places (that aren’t retail) that are flexible enough to accommodate that.  I would leave both jobs if I had to but in order to do that I need to find one that pays me what both jobs combined brings in which is a little easier said than done.

Okay, I’m done with this subject for now. It’s depressing me more and more every time I think about it.

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Start Over.

Well it’s a new year. I’m generally not a “new year new me” type of person.  I tend not to make resolutions because I won’t follow through.  Rather I set goals for myself.  I’ll think of something I want to achieve and give myself a year to do it.  I also don’t like to have specific limits.  So for example instead of “I want to lose 20 lbs” a more realistic goal would be “I’d like to make healthier choices.”  This way if I want to have a damn slice of pizza, I can have a slice of pizza.  As long as I make healthier choices overall.

This year I’ve decided to make it all about me.  I want to be happy so I need to carve out time for myself.  I want to feel better and have more energy so I’ve decided to do a couple of things:

  1. I want to start exercising more consistently.  I have never felt like shit after the gym or a workout.  EVER. In fact it makes me feel better and more energized.  I want to start exercising at the gym a minimum for 3-4 days a week.  Eventually I’d like to make 5-6 days standard but I also don’t want to start too big.  I want this to be achievable.  It is going to be tough because right now all the annoying “Resolutioners” are going to be hogging up the equipment at the gym.  I am going to be strategic about planning it. I am going to try taking advantage of my late start on Tuesdays and gyming it beforehand. 2pm is not going to be a busy time on a Tuesday.  Also it would be ideal to get in a workout on Saturday and Sunday after work around 4 or 5pm.  The gym is usually dead during the weekends because everyone is out and about.  Here’s to hoping. Once May hits I’ll be able to exercise constantly at the lake by my house.
  2. I am cutting dairy out of my diet again.  I participated in the Vegan Challenge for the month of December.  Unfortunately I was not able to go completely Vegan the whole month because of the holiday.  Before I decided to do the challenge I accepted an invitation to Christmas dinner at my friend’s place and her mother was thoughtful enough to make me vegetarian things to eat.  I’m not a dick so I was not going to ask her to make me vegan food nor was I going to be a bitch and only eat bread without butter and a salad.  I was strictly vegan for 19 days and then slowly integrated one small dairy item into my diet each day (because I did not want to feel like crap in my friends mothers bathroom all night).  The first day I had a small dairy item I felt like garbage.  Just in general getting all that dairy out of my diet made me feel better, physically and morally.
  3. No more picking up shifts to work on my days/weekends off.  I don’t have many days off.  I have each Wednesday off from both jobs (once a month I have to go into my FT job on a Wednesday night to do a store reset) and once a month I have a full Saturday off.  I am using that time to treat myself.  I will be doing things I like to do on those days.  They will be reserved for blogging, grocery shopping and meal prep and actual relaxation time.  Occasionally I can also use that time to do things with friends!
  4. I will blog more consistently.  I enjoy writing about a lot of things.  So I am going to set aside time to do this.  Ideally it will be once a week on my day off.  I don’t have to finish the blog post but at least take time out to write.  Perhaps I’ll start dropping shorter posts so that I can post something once a week minimum.
  5. I need to find a non-retail related job.  My FT job is no longer fun.  I have a few co-workers that make it worth being there but honestly I need to be happy.  There is nowhere for me to go with that company anymore.  I am not going to be an Inventory Manager for the rest of my life. Doing the same things I’ve been doing the last 5 years forever.  I need a better environment to work in where I feel valued and important and have the opportunity to to grow with the company.  I need consistent hours that aren’t crappy.  I’m tired of working holidays like Thanksgiving.  Working until 1 or 2 in the morning doing store re-sets and putting way the weekly shipment.  I am the ONLY one that works those bullshit shifts.  I also don’t want anyone else to take those shifts because it ends up being done wrong and just creates more work for me to do later.  It’s just easier for me to take the bullshit shifts.  Ideally I’d like to have a M-Fri 8 – 5 job.  Weekends and holidays off.  I’ve never in my life had that before so I’m curious to know.  I think the stability of having a very consistent schedule where I’m not working until 1am and then having a day off and then coming in at 6 or 7am could make having my hobbies easier.  I would have a consistent time to go the gym and run errands and could make it a routine. My body would get used to going to sleep and waking up at the same time.  I would have a more concrete and organized day.
  6. Lastly I need to make healthier choices.  I’ve become depressed and lazy recently.  Because of this I haven’t been exercising and my eating habits are crap.  It’s easier to order delivery and eat pizza or Chinese or Thai.  I don’t feel like making food because I’m exhausted, miserable and frustrated so I have something delivered and eat oreos after because, hey, oreos are vegan!  I want to make meal prep my thing again.  I need to eat better because in turn the rest of the things I want to accomplish will all follow suit if I can get my dietary habits under control.

Those are the things I want to take hold of this year.  I think by changing some bad habits and making it all about ME I can actually be happy.  Some of these things are going to be hard and scary.  But knowing when you need to push the reset button and start over is the first step.  Starting over is scary but sometimes you find that you’ve continued too far down the wrong path and you have to rewind. However if you have already gone too far the best step is to just Start Over. I’m not giving up.

reset

A series of unfortunate events.

I haven’t written for a while.  Life got real.  Shit got in the way.  Friends happened.  You know how that goes.

It’s also holiday and I work retail.  Save (what is left of) my poor black soul.  Anyway, I didn’t have anything that I really had an itch to write about but over the last couple days I just feel like I need to record what happened because it’s THAT FUCKING CRAZY.  I have been sick so excuse my jumbled brain, I’ll try to make this bearable.

I caught the deathflu.  I don’t always get sick (I was very sickly in my college years so I pretty much caught every form of a cold back then, I have quite the immunity now) but usually when I do, it’s pretty bad. My colds are always the same, I kind of get this feeling in my throat and that’s when I know I will wake up the next morning with full on birdflu. I generally feel like crap for a day or two and then start to get better.  This kind of hit me out of nowhere though because the weather had been so up and down this fall my allergies were not very pleased.  So I had been having that “feeling” in my throat for damn near a month.

This shit hit me when I least expected it. I was moving crazy slow at work on Tuesday and then I just knew.  I knew on Wednesday it was going to be bad news.  Sure as shit I woke up Wednesday feeling like absolute garbage.  I was able to take some dayquil and managed to get my drippy nose and my watering eyes under control for my wax job.  Afterwards I headed to my retail job.  It was a horrid 3 hour set up for Black Friday.  I felt like garbage and my freaking boss was continually asking me what was wrong.  What do you think is wrong man?  I sound like a guy and my nose is dripping all over the fucking place.  Doesn’t seem like a good time, but I’m still here because I have to be.

Thursday was uneventful.  The first time I had Thanksgiving Day off in 4 years and I was sicker than hell for it.  It was my only day off this week so I decided that I am not too sick to make some food.  I bought all this food to be a glutton so, I made it.  Sadly, I couldn’t really taste it.  I figured I would be able to taste the leftovers as that is my meal prep for the week.  After cooking for a solid 3 hours I was freaking exhausted.  I ate a little bit although I really couldn’t taste much and then I slept.  Oh man did I sleep.  I slept for about 6 hours and then woke up hungry (good sign right!?) so I had a little of my leftovers (some casserole, mashed potatoes and a dinner roll) and then hit the sack again, because I needed to work on Black Friday at 5am.

I woke up even worse.  I anger cried a little bit because any time I’m sick, I’m not allowed to be sick.  People call in for the stupidest shit and then I come in looking like Death Becomes Her and my boss thinks I’m “not really that sick.”  You guys, I was SO SICK that my eyelids were swollen.  You read that right.  My fucking face was swollen.  And I still dragged my ass out of my house, could barely see to drive and I opened that god forsaken store for Black Friday.

I looked like absolute shit but I managed to work for about 5 hours.  As soon as I got into the store my boss was scheduled to be in like an hour later.  I sent her a text right away and told her that I am still very sick, I may have a fever and my face is swollen so I cannot wear makeup.  She replied, “Oh, I’m sorry.”  I wish you could see my snapchats because I had to document that shit somehow.  MY GODDAMN EYES WERE SWOLLEN DAMN NEAR SHUT.

It just kills me.  I am never allowed to be sick.  Then when I show up to work looking like the grim fucking reaper my boss still doesn’t see it.  She half assedly asked me if I wanted to go.  I told her I would stay because Ms. Millennial overslept so we were down someone right at open.  They needed me.  People call in for the sniffles all the time.  I always show up.  I’ve worked with food poisoning (twice), I’ve worked when I was so sick I actually lost my voice and could not speak and I came in with my eyelids so swollen I could barely see.  BUT hey, I don’t need to rest and take medicine, I’m fucking HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

So the real icing on the cake was today at work.  I got in and my boss asks me if I’m feeling better.  I told her I am better than yesterday by far but still you know, getting over the cold.  I’m onto the coughing stages now.  So flash forward an hour.  The guy that opened with me yesterday, who saw my eyes first and wondered how I was still alive was asking me how I was feeling today.  Boss is nearby as well.  I told him I’m feeling better but I’m still just really tired.  Then… Then.  My boss actually says, “You have no reason to be tired.  You just slept for the last two days.”

ARE YOU FUCKING FOR REAL?  I swear sometimes she doesn’t think about the words that come out of her mouth.  At least I hope she doesn’t think because that shit is uncalled for.  My body is working double time because NO, I haven’t just been sleeping the last 2 days.  I had ONE day to sleep.  Thanksgiving.  I still worked for 8 hours on Wednesday and 5 hours on Friday.  I am thankful my wax job boss called me off Friday because I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to swing that.  With barely being able to open my eyes to see.  Also I’m not sure if my boss realizes this but when you rest during your sickness you aren’t just relaxing.  Your body is still fighting off a virus.  This is not easy and depletes your energy which is why you’re tired.  Like, why would I need to explain that to you?  I have every reason to be tired because for the last 4 fucking days my body has been fighting a cold to heal itself.  One fucking day to sleep is not going to magically make you better.  She acts like I had 2 days off to just watch fucking Netflix and eat pie.  Negative.  I have 1 and a half days to chug cough syrup and drink orange juice and try to eat soup when  was finally hungry again.

Everyone else took one look at me on Friday and asked why the hell I was at the store but my boss failed to see it.  I feel incredibly undervalued as an employee and then this is the kind of treatment I receive.  Doesn’t make me feel any better.  I bust my tail all the time and then when I really need to let my body rest and heal itself… I’m questioned on how sick I actually am.

*sigh*  I’m thankful I’m feeling better finally.  I do not have any more time to waste.

Also, the food I made for Thanksgiving tastes great!  I’m super proud of my homemade vegetarian mushroom gravy!  It’s super flavorful and unlike the “mushroom gravy” you can buy (in a jar or a powder mix) it doesn’t contain beef stock!  I win!

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