Failure.

The last couple weeks of my life have proven to be tough.  Shit just clearly isn’t going my way.  It’s like things are crumbling before my eyes.  It all started with accidentally burning my hand with piping hot wax.  It went downhill from there.  I burned my hand, ended up seeing this boy that treats me like garbage (it pisses me off) and then the next day I find out that I was passed over for a promotion that I’ve been waiting YEARS to open up in our district (which, when I took my current position I was told that this would be the next step for me as soon as it opened up in our district) and to top it all off Facebook decided to remind me that one of my best friends in the world died 3 years ago that day.

Lovely right.  Nothing great has really happened since then either. Luckily nothing terrible but it hasn’t been all roses either.

The main thing that irritates me is being passed up for the promotion.  Now, I knew that I wasn’t going to get it anyway because I wasn’t even NOTIFIED that the position was even open in the district (this company is super great at keeping things hush-hush when they have someone they already want to do it and it pisses me off) but of course if you never ask the answer will always be no.  So I reached out to my boss’s boss (because I don’t feel that my boss supports me).  I told her that a little birdie told me the position was open and posted online and asked her if it was a feasible option for me.  The response I got was crap.  I was told that it’s a high level position and that they would be in charge of HR pieces as well so they are considering candidates that have experience in performance management, hiring and development of teams.  Blah Blah my boss can give me specifics  on what I can work on to be considered for a position like that in the future.

You know because I did NONE OF THOSE THINGS AT THE JOB I HAD BEFORE I GOT THIS ONE EITHER. OH wait, that’s all I fucking did before I started working for this company.  My entire job was to do all the shit my boss wasn’t willing to do.  Interviewing potential employees, taking care of a department that was responsible for like 40% of the stores sales, having all the HR conversations and writing up disciplinary forms, setting planograms for the entire middle section of the store and running a goddamn team of like 10 – 15 people to get shit done.  At my current job I don’t have the authority to do any HR stuff because I’m not exempt but I am the one that develops my whole team.  I’m the only one in the store that knows how to do my job so I’m the only one that can train people to help me do my job and the work of my department.  But you know, I’m an asshole and I refuse to drink the “kool-aid” so I can’t be promoted.  *side eye emoji*

Even though I knew I wasn’t even being considered for the position it still hurts.  It made me question my skills.  It made me wonder if maybe I wasn’t actually any good at my job.  I don’t feel like my boss supports me and half the time with the way she treats me it also makes me question whether or not I am actually good at what I do.  I’m not sure what hurts more the fact that my district manager (who is the person that hired me 6 years ago and when I first started with the company she was my direct manager) gave me this bullshit fluff reason as to why I’m not being considered (oh and ended that e-mail with “I appreciate your passion and expertise in your department”)  Or the fact that I wasted 6 years or my life working to get that promotion only to realize there’s no where for me to go.

Of course she then told my boss that I reached out about the position.  So then my boss tries to have a heart to heart with me.  She said she should have told me about the position but every time I have one-on-one development convos with her I tell her “I don’t know where I want to be in the future with the company.”  Of course I told her that if she thought I would be good for the job she should encourage me to go for it, regardless of what I tell her.  Then she gave me some BS about how I need to work on my attitude and that a person in that position needs to make the department a fun and inviting place to be.  The majority of my team hasn’t quit because of me and the ones that did leave (to go to school and to use their actual degree) stayed as long as they did because of me.  They would have left a hell of a lot earlier if it was anyone else.  But you know, clearly no one likes to work with me because I’m not fun and inviting!  I bring something different to the table.  I’m realistic.  I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because your my boss, I’m going to tell you what I’m thinking and in the retail world I think that’s a strength.  Of course this doesn’t align with what my boss and boss’s boss and boss’s boss’s boss want so I guess I’m shit outta luck.

How fun can you make this job? We seriously get covered in makeup and dust, I injure myself daily and we do all the heavy lifting and things that other coworkers can’t be bothered to do.  How FUN does that sound? All for a glorious $10/hr.  Like, no one is gonna stay with me forever making $10/hr it’s not sustainable.  So I don’t blame them for that.

It’s difficult but in order to move up in this company I have to be someone who I’m not.  I would think that my skills and knowledge are enough but that’s not so.  I think I need to find a new job.  I’m not challenged in my current position and I’m not going to do this forever. If the next logical step in my career is not an option for me then why am I here?  Unfortunately the only reason I haven’t jumped ship is because I need the healthcare benefits.  My wax job doesn’t offer benefits (yet) so I can’t really leave my current job.  At least not until I get my new prescription next month and my years worth of contacts in April. =(

I’ve been looking but its hard because I don’t want to leave my wax job and I’m not finding places (that aren’t retail) that are flexible enough to accommodate that.  I would leave both jobs if I had to but in order to do that I need to find one that pays me what both jobs combined brings in which is a little easier said than done.

Okay, I’m done with this subject for now. It’s depressing me more and more every time I think about it.

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