First Time Waxers

So, as you know by now, my other job consists of waxing various body parts.  The good news is that I don’t have to wax ball sacks, but I do wax pretty much everything else.  At the place I work at, our most requested service is definitely brazilian and full bikini waxes.  Some may think it sucks or that it’s gross but the truth is, most women cannot do it themselves (and if you can, why would you?) and I make BANK providing this service.  Also, can you get all your hoo-hah hair off your body in 15 minutes?  Doubtful, but I can!

I wax and I wax fast.  No one wants to sit around with crappy strip wax for 45 minutes getting your body hair ripped out.  Also, unlike my other job I love 95% of my wax clients.  Yes, there are some repeat clients that have horrible stubborn hair but I still love them because they keep me in business.  I get to meet lots of awesome people and we get to chat about things for 15 minutes (sometimes more depending on how many services they are receiving).  And none of my repeat clients like to make small talk.  They like to talk about cool things like what’s going on in their life, or my life or tattoos or hair color or makeup.  So I’m not stuck saying shit like “can you believe this weather!?”  They make it fun, especially when I’m booked solid.

For some horrendous reason the schools in the area have spread out spring break over THREE FUCKING WEEKS.  So normally our spring break waxing rush happens for 2 weeks, this year it’s been more like the whole goddamn month of March because of the school systems poor planning.  Some schools had the 2nd week of March off, some had the 3rd week and some have this coming week going into April.  So basically it’s been a whole month of nonstop waxing.  I’m about 95% booked (only because I miraculously get a 15 minute break) each shift, so seeing my regulars (in addition to all the annoying first timers) is heaven.

So, let’s get into first time waxers…

Here’s the deal.  First time waxers are annoying for a multitude of reasons.  When you first start waxing a body part, it doesn’t matter if it’s your lady bits, your legs or your under arms, the longevity of the smoothness is not going to last for 3 weeks.  So don’t come in a week before your vacation because you don’t want to shave.  Hair grows in 3 stages, so you are going to see new hairs pop out after a week, sometimes even a few days.  It depends on the hair growth cycle.  If you have never waxed a body part and you want it to be smooth and not have to shave during your vacation you really should have at least 2 or preferably 3 waxing sessions before you leave.  This way your smoothness will last the longest because we’ve gotten all the stages of hair growth.  This means if you go on vacation in March, you should start waxing in January or even better December.  If you are too cheap (I mean, less than $50 for a brazilian, come on… that’s really a good deal) to spend the money and come 3 times, you better come the day before you leave.  But don’t be pissed when your lady parts are hurting for a couple of days.  You choose, it’s your body part and your vacation and your hairlessness.

Also it should be noted that when you come in and have never been waxed before you don’t have to tell me.  Most people do and it’s fine but it’s not like since you’ve never been waxed there is a special way for me to make it not hurt.  Only with repeated monthly waxes will the “hurt” lessen, and even then, honestly it’s not like it ever stops hurting.  Some of your hair follicles get damaged and stop producing hair.  This means your hair grows in finer and more sparse.  The reason it hurts less is because since your hair is sparse, there is less and less to pull out with each strip.  Make sense?  Again, this is only with repeated monthly waxes.

Most people who have never been waxed build up the pain in their mind.  Some people are babies and that’s the way it is.  But really, a bikini wax is not so painful that you’re going to die.  It’s not like I can wax your vagina off (yes, someone has asked me that…).  Stop building it up so much that you get all twitchy or start getting tense and stop breathing.  When getting a wax for the first time just focus on your breathing.  I can even help by talking you through it and telling you when to breathe in and out etc.  Otherwise just talk to me about something funny, I’m sure I can make you laugh.  It takes 15 minutes.  You can handle being a little uncomfortable for 15 minutes.  You’ll survive.

Lastly, when you are receiving a wax, especially a private area wax, general hygiene practices are always appreciated.  Try not to come right after hot yoga.  You’re sweaty and smelly and gross and now I have to be all up in your business providing you a service.  When I get a wax I make sure to take a shower before doing so, its common courtesy.  Another thing you shouldn’t do before a wax is go into a tanning bed.  You need to wait 24 hours after being in a tanning bed to get a wax (and also after waxing you should wait 24 hours before you go to a tanning bed).  If you go to a tanning bed before a wax I can potentially rip your skin off (same as if you are getting a wax but taking an acne medication like Retin-A).  You can also sweat so much that the wax won’t adhere to your hairs and then your hair won’t come out making it just painful because your skin is already pissed off from the UV LIGHTS YOU’VE BEEN UNDER FOR 15 MINUTES IMMEDIATELY BEFORE YOUR WAX.  This has happened to me and truthfully, you cannot get mad that your skin lifted when you didn’t tell me that you were in a tanning bed immediately before your wax.  You can get mad that your eyebrow skin lifted but it’s your own damn fault because how am I supposed to know that you just came from a tanning bed?  Unless you reek of tanning lotion I won’t know until I either A. pull off your skin with a strip or B. realize that you are sweating underneath the strip.  Neither of which I can tell until after the damage has been done.

People lie about things like that all the time.  Because they know if I know about it, I will refuse the service.  But then you can’t get mad at me if your skin is compromised and gets ripped off or burned because of what YOU neglected to tell me.  YOU wanted the service so I gave it to you.

Now, the last thing I will mention about first time waxers and this also can apply to long time waxers about general hygiene practices is that… I can’t believe I have to say this but… wipe yourself.  I have seen some shit (literally).  I would assume by the time you are getting your vagina waxed that you are a grown woman.  I’ve seen a lot of things but please make sure that you don’t have shit all over your ass (why is this a thing?  Why is it hard to wipe yourself after going to the bathroom?) and that you don’t have weird discharge all in your vagina and/or an STD or Infection.  I do wear gloves but if it’s not right down there I will refuse and I’m sure you’re the one that’s going to be embarrassed.  So…just take care of things down there.

I’m happy to say that this is not the case with all the people I see, but it’s happened enough that it makes me question how grown ass adult women can’t be bothered to take care of their downstairs.  Okay… now who wants a wax!?

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Bad Customer Service

Everyone has had an experience with bad customer service.  It’s going to happen, especially when you expect to get your ass kissed by people who make $9/hr to ring out your shit.  The reality of it is that people that work in retail (unless they are a store manager making salary wages) get paid crap to treat you like a fucking king/queen.  Eventually it’s going to wear down that poor soul and they’ll end up like me.  Hating everyone that walks through the door of that store.

When I first started in retail it wasn’t that bad.  I was a cashier and I was paid to ring out peoples purchases and thank them for shopping.  It was simple and I really didn’t mind.  Eventually I moved to the returns desk and it was just hilarious.  However if someone was trying to return something without the item or if they didn’t have the receipt and reached their un-receipted limit, I could say NO and not get yelled at for it and when I did, the manager had my back.  Now, heaven forbid if you tell a customer NO.

Right now the level of entitlement of anyone shopping in retail is enough to make my eye twitch.  Since when did good customer service mean that you would throw customers gift cards and free stuff so they they wouldn’t write a bad review?  When did good service become paying for a clients purchase because they wrote you a bad survey and they felt someone “rolled their eyes” at them or “looked down on them for not being as trendy?”

Nowadays you just have to go into a store ask for a manager and start yelling about how you feel discriminated against in the store because you think no one will help you because of the way you look.  BAM, here’s a gift card for your hurt feelings.  Most managers (I say most because I am a manager and I would never do something like that) will just listen to your concerns and then offer you free shit or money to get you off their back.  Come to me about your concerns and I would just tell you that treatment like that is very rare but I will speak to the employee about the behavior and that’s it.  Now because we have to kiss our customers asses, usually the store manager will give someone a gift card for their hurt feelings.  It’s a slap to the face as a manager.  It’s throwing me under the bus.  It’s pretty much telling that customer that “yea, our employees routinely treat people like shit so here’s a gift card and free money so you don’t write a bad review about us.”

The truth is that people will actually lie about situations to get what they want.  I saw it once with my own eyes. A woman was mad about something stupid and when a manager tried to remedy the situation (I was in the vicinity but not the handling manager) she just wasn’t having it.  She demanded to speak to another manager so our boss (the store manager) came out.  The lady was livid and she wanted to speak to the store manager alone, so the manager took her to the back of the store for a little privacy.  Anyway, long story short the store manager came back to myself and the other handling manager and said that they lady felt we were discriminating against her race and that we had called her names and were disrespectful.  NONE of which was true.  Luckily our manager didn’t buy into it, but this is the shit I am talking about.  You are going to sit there and say we called you names because you didn’t get your way?  Bitch, they don’t pay me enough to deal with your bullshit.

My other favorite thing is when people write negative comments on our store survey.  Like most stores, we have a survey asking you about your experience.  Some of the comments are motherfucking ridiculous!  At our store we have free membership into our “club” but there are 3 different levels.  How much money you spend each year determines which level you are in.  Obviously the top level is the people that spend the most money and hence they usually get a few extra benefits.  One of these top level people actually wrote in the survey that we should have an express checkout line for only top level members “you know, like how platinum members get to board the plane first.”  Okay, really?  You spend a thousand dollars a year so that means you get to push people out of line to check out?  Fuck you.  The difference between a store an an airport is that you aren’t here to board a fucking plane.  You’re here to buy goods.  “OH, excuse me ma’am, I know you are next in line to check out but that bitch at the back spends $1000 each year here so please get the fuck out of the way so we can ring her out first!”  Yea, never going to happen.  Since when is waiting in line to buy something SO HARD to do?  Just wait your turn!  If you are in a hurry or need to make an appointment perhaps you should manage your time better.  Also, not my fault.

The other thing that I enjoy is when people write in the comments section about how much money they were GOING to spend but didn’t because of bad service.  Like when someone says that they had come in and they were going to spend $700 on stuff but they put the basket down and left because someone rolled their eyes at them.  Bitch, you probably don’t even have $700 in your bank account.  Get out of here.  If you have to tell me how much you were going to spend that means you weren’t actually going to spend that much.

You don’t see me walking over to the coffee shop and exclaiming “I was going to buy $400 of coffee beans but that girl at the register looked at me like I wasn’t good enough so now I’m going to go buy coffee beans from your competitor!”  Who does shit like that?  People that genuinely have a bad customer service experience don’t seek to have free things for their experience nor do they tell you how much money they just lost because of the service (also, do you think that a multi million dollar company gives a fuck that you aren’t spending $700 there? NO, they don’t.)  I’ve had bad customer service experiences and I’ve filled out survey’s and left comments about being treated poorly, but I’ve never said that I felt an employee was mean to me or rolled their eyes at me or talked to me like I was stupid.  It’s been clear policy violations from stores I’ve never had that experience with before so I felt a manager should know so that other customers don’t get the shaft.  Never once have I felt the need to lie and say I was called names or tell them they lost an X amount dollar sale.

When did customers become so entitled?  That’s for another entry though.customer

Working at a Mall

I am one of those crazy people that works two jobs.  I don’t work two jobs because I need to; I do it simply because I want to.  Also because one of them keeps my cosmetology license active and because I like to have assloads of money to spend on frivolous things if I want.  I am working 7 days a week and saving money this way.  I figure that I will work my ass off like this while I can so that I can save money and eventually (like when I’m in my 40’s) flip everyone off from the beach because I don’t have to work as much.

So one of my jobs, my full time job, is located in a mall.  Ah yes, the wonderful world of retail management.  I do all the inventory stuff there.  So I’m in charge of the stock, stock levels, any reverse logistics processes, organization of all things in the store and I also have the glamorous task of ordering office supplies like copy paper, sharpies, receipt tape, pretty bags to put your items in and toilet paper.  I’m sure you’re jealous.

Mall shoppers are absolutely horrible.  I practically hate people but only when in a retail setting and they are shopping.  My other job involves seeing all sorts of people and waxing body parts for them.  I have NO issues (aside from someone being overly sensitive and/or nervous and that’s a whole ‘nother post coming soon) for the most part with any of the people I wax.  There’s always going to be those people that are just dickbags in general, but I’ve been waxing at this job for a year and a half and I would say 95% of my clients (repeat or not) are incredibly pleasant and I love helping them.  At my other job….I hope they all burn in the fiery pits of hell.

Helping people shop in a retail setting, specifically in cosmetics, is horrendous.  I would say 98% of the people I am accidentally forced to help are absolutely terrible people.  I say “accidentally” because my strong suit is in organization and backroom stuff and that is where my boss knows to keep me.  However now and then I have to appear on the salesfloor during open hours and some stupid person traps me and starts asking me for help.  Sometimes it’s “busy” so I have to ring out people at the registers and pretend to be nice to them.  Every time I have to smile at someone and say “thanks for stopping in” it kills me a little more inside.  I’m almost dead really.

When it gets busy during open hours and I’m ordering and organizing in the back, I help by answering the phone.  People call with the STUPIDEST questions ever.  Sometimes they are so stupid I wonder who ties their shoes in the morning.  Now, when you call the store the “auto attendant” picks up.  Basically it’s my voice as a recorded greeting.  I say some crap about the store you called and then I say  “for hours of operation and directions to the store press 1. To speak to a product consultant press 3”  So when you press 3, the phone line rings out on the sales floor for them to answer.  Now, if you are too much of an asshole to wait and hear the options and you automatically press 0 (PS, that was NOT an option I say) it rings in the back office.  Now, there isn’t always someone back here to answer (especially during the evening when it’s busy or the weekends) and if no one answers you can leave a message.  Just so you know, we don’t always listen to the messages right away.  If you would have listened to me when the recording was on, you’d be talking to an actual person right now and not leaving a fucking message.

Who leaves a message for a store anyway?  When I am back there I like to just let the phone ring.  I figure if you can’t follow instructions you don’t deserve to talk to a person about your stupid product question.  Yea, I’m mean but you deserve it.  FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.

I like listening to messages and hear someone ramble on and on and then say “call me , back before X PM.”  and then fail to leave a phone number or a name.  I enjoy deleting those messages.  Oh, did I mention that if you had followed instructions in the first place and pressed 3, you would have already had an answer to your question?

My other favorite thing that people CONSTANTLY call for is to ask where to park to get to our store.  This is not the Mall of America, you can park ANYWHERE.  We are pretty close to the middle of the mall so it doesn’t matter where you park.  We are closest to Herberger’s but even if you parked outside of Macy’s which is on the other side of the mall, it would only take you approximately 4 minutes to walk to our store.  Stop asking where to park.  To put it in perspective I looked up the square footage of our mall vs. the Mall of America.  Our mall is about 1,300,000 square feet.  The Mall of America is 7,900,000 square feet.  So, shut up about the “closest door” to the store.  It’s really NOT that big.  Park somewhere and then walk your fat ass to the center of the mall, where you find us.

Lastly, people need to stop calling to ask for cosmetic recommendations over the phone.  I cannot tell you what foundation would suit you best or which eye cream would get rid of your hideous dark circles and bags without you ACTUALLY being in the store.  I have no idea what your face looks like so I can’t accurately give you a shade of foundation to buy online.  Come in to the store and shop like everyone else.

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UPS Access Points

I thought I’d start things off with something light.  UPS Access Points.  Until last Thursday, I had no damn idea what that was.  Oh what an adventure.

Now, with the way UPS describes this, it seems like a brilliant idea.  If you aren’t home at the time of your UPS delivery the next day by 1pm the driver will bring your item to the closest UPS Access Point.  This is usually some sort of business.  This way you can drop by any time the store is open and grab your package, even as late as 10pm.  CONVENIENT right?

NEGATIVE.  When you live in a slightly shady area, this is not a great thing.  Any other time the damn UPS guy just leaves my packages outside my door but this time he had to drop it off at an access point.

He drops it off at a convenience store 2 blocks from my house.  You know the kind with bars on the doors and a sign that says “Reopened under new management.” Now, lets be clear, it’s not that I was scared or anything but the clientele is not the greatest and the convenience store itself is kind of weird.  They sell anything you could want, just like at a gas station but they also have a fine selection of body jewelry and what looks like yard sale necklaces and bracelets.  It’s almost like a convenience store with a little bit of Pawn America thrown in.

Anyway, the icing on the cake was that I tracked my package that was delivered to this store and signed by Ahmed.  When I go in there I tell them I am here to get my package and give him the UPS slip thing.  I tell him my last name (which, if you know me is pretty uncommon) and he can’t find anything.  Ahmed, the nice man that he is, asks me if it’s been a week since it was delivered.  On the slip it says March 11… it’s March 14 so…no.  I told him they delivered it last Friday to the store.

It takes the guy 15 minutes to find my package.  Originally he told me I would have to call UPS because it wasn’t there.  The part that is bullshit about this, is that if you are going to be an access point (where you can pick up packages and even mail them out from there) you need to have some sort of organization process.  How do you keep it all straight?  While he’s digging through packages it’s completely disorganized.  It is seriously a bunch of UPS packages just thrown on the floor behind the counter.  A HOT MESS.

The future Certified Professional Organizer in me is dying inside as I just want to go back there and find my own package.  I tried to help as much as I could.  I told him that it would be a small box with AMAZON PRIME tape on it (because that’s how I roll).

With much luck he finally found my package but then he couldn’t get the scan gun to work. He toggled around with it while the usual patrons of the store (which were a goddamn hoot) were cracking jokes about how he should be wearing a UPS shirt, to make it more real.

The good news is, while it took a good 20 minutes, I was able to get my sweet sweet package.  All that hassle for this heavenly mug.  Worth it? Yea.cool-creature-cups-pelican-trex

Introduction

I have always wanted to write.  I have all these crazy opinions and ideas and just never had anywhere to put them.  Yea, I could write things on social media like Facebook but then it’s just going to clog up my friends’ news feed and ultimately they will just stop reading.  Kind of like how you decided to unfollow that friend that posts 300 times a day and uses 5000 hashtags in each post.  I like to put my crazy one-liners on twitter but I felt the need to find a place where I can expand to more than just 140 characters.

So now I have a place where I can store all my thoughts and if someone WANTS to read them, they sure as hell can.

I will write about just anything you can imagine.  From my ridiculous adventures working in retail to my thoughts on politics and even my insane life in the online dating world.  Or perhaps we could venture into my hatred for unruly crotch fruit (children) or how my eye twitches when people use shitty grammar.  My posts can be long, short, funny or serious.  Who knows?  There are no rules and if there were I definitely would not follow them anyway.

I also enjoy taking requests.  If you want to know my particular thoughts on a subject, let me know.  I’d be happy to oblige.

Happy Reading!