I’ve been going through a tough time. I’ve been having a lot of mixed feelings about myself and all that is going on in the last few months. It’s weird and I don’t know how to deal with it so I’m doing the best I can.
Last week one of the tattoo artists at the tattoo studio that I frequent passed away. She was not my artist so I didn’t know her other than bullshitting while Bambi tattoos me. She seriously stood up from her work station, passed out and the paramedics could not restart her heart. She had an aortic aneurysm. Just like that. 31 years old and as soon as she stood up one day, boom. Gone.
All of these people posted such beautiful things on social media about her. About how she was so beautiful and wonderful and inspiring. The one thing that someone wrote that really got to me was one of her coworkers said, “The world is poorer without her but everyone who knew her is so much better because of it.”
And I started crying. One because it was such a beautiful sentiment from her coworker and friend but because I thought to myself that no one would ever say that about me. What if that happened to me? What would people write on my social media about me? My bestie is probably the only one that would have something like that to say about me. I’m cranky and it’s funny most of the time but that’s really all I’ve got. I’m not nice because people lack common sense and decency and I can’t hide it anymore. There is no way in hell that any of my coworkers would look back on me and be like, “The world is so much better for having her in it.” NO GODDAMN WAY.
And I don’t know how to feel about that or how to change it. There have been things that people have said to me that just make that whole realization even worse. I’m told I’m hard to love, I’m angry all the time and I don’t like people. I also dislike all that “everyone means something to someone.” bullshit too. It just sucks knowing that I truly believe that the people I work with would not have anything to say about me. Like I could never imagine anyone (other than my bff or my family) saying that I was such a joy to be around and that I was so great and wonderful. It fucking blows. What in the hell is my purpose on this earth if I’m not making the world better by simply existing as a nice person? Is my purpose to be cranky and bitchy and write funny blogs and then die alone because I am impossible to love and be around? Great. Where’s that stupid ass shifty eyes frowny face that looks like my face every day?
Part of me wonders if maybe I need a new job. I mean I was practically told that I’m not able to be promoted because I don’t smile enough and I’m not fun and inviting. Like my boss and her boss seriously told me that. I mean I thought promotions were based on performance, skills and expertise but clearly I was wrong about that. I feel like my job is a large source of stress. I have to work in a setting with some people I can’t even fucking stand to be around. I have to work with people who can’t read simple instructions. People that flush tampons and throw food in the sink without turning on the garbage disposal. People that can’t clean up after themselves and leave rotting leftovers in the fridge and leave fruit lying around so there are fruit flies everywhere. People that will remove a full trash bag but not put a new one in so that others then start to pile in their garbage without a fucking can liner in there. THAT is what I work with (although the last bit about the can liner hasn’t happened recently so…). I also have an insubordinate working under me. I don’t care that she’s a fucking Millennial. Learn how to function like an adult. Participation trophies are not given out here. The world does not revolve around you and you are NO WHERE near as knowledgeable about my field as I am, so nice try. I’ve been doing this job for 6 years and the same job but with a different company for 4 years before that. That’s 10 years experience. You’ve been here a year.
Seriously, I now have people refusing to work with her. I hate working with her. When I force her to do her job (aka things she tries to leave so that someone else does them for her) she gets mad at me. If I question ANYTHING she does she gets defensive (even if it’s just a simple, what is this piece? is it new? can I toss it? Are you done with it?) she gets defensive tells me she’s following the directions and to not make a big deal about it. I just stare back blankly saying “I seriously just asked if I could toss this. Don’t make this a big deal because I’m not.” It’s like she thinks I’m yelling at her whenever I question something. Like get over it, you don’t know it all so stop being offended when I tell you something. It’s my JOB.
So, maybe if I got a new job it would be better? I just feel like I shouldn’t be so stressed out and pissed off all the time. Is there even a job out there that could actually have me not stressed out?
Would that make me a better person? I know I have friends and great friendships but it just sucks because the people who were closest to me are now gone. I can’t be mad at my friends for chasing their dreams and moving to other places to make that happen but it just sucks that they aren’t here any more.
I am also struggling a little because my best friend is getting married. She’s my number 1 and I know that I’m her number 1. Believe me, her fiance knows his place. He seriously knows that I will always be first and he’s great but I’m not sure why I’m just not keen on the idea of sharing her. AGAIN, it’s completely irrational because I don’t have to share her, I never have but it’s all becoming real.
Wow, this is all over the place. It’s been a really rough last few months with all these weird emotions. I just want to be a good person and I want to leave the world better than I found it. I honestly don’t know if I meet that criteria right now. How do you know what kind of mark you’re leaving on the world? How do you battle your own demons and thoughts and emotions?